It is my 39th birthday today. It is crazy to think that I have written a post on this day every year since 2007. Nineteen years. My god. Life changes so much. I started when I was in my second year of college. Next year, this blog will be twenty, and I will be forty. I have not written much here lately because there is nothing to write except some life musings.
I haven't had a strong start to the year. There was a robbery at my home. Someone broke into my house while I was there in the early morning on a Saturday, but I didn't find out about it until I woke up. They took away my wallet and some stuff. Then the thief started using payment cards. So I had to call the bank. But a few days later, they somehow hacked my license account and made some purchases on my driving record. So, I got two letters from the Department of Licensing demanding payment, even though I had not purchased anything. I had to go to the Department and figure things out. But when I went, they said to call another number and deal with another department. I thought it was all over, but now, after a month, I see more fraudulent activity on the old debit card, which I have replaced, so I don't know how they are able to keep making transactions. And then someone randomly sent me a $300 check, which I think is another fake scam. I have been dealing with identity theft, and it is really stressful how it is happening, and I have no recourse. I have become paranoid about my bank transactions. It is like everyone is trying to scam and steal. I don't feel safe here now after this incident (what if the thief had a gun), because I live in a secluded place, and it feels as if someone has been watching me. I read this tweet, and I could relate to it so much. I used to think I was very careful and very smart, but when something happens to you, all these delusions come crashing down.
until it happens to you, you will think you are very careful, very
responsible, very smart, very religious, very mature, very private, very
etc.
I finally watched Dhurandhar, and it was good, though I felt the film is extremely overhyped, especially Akshaye Khanna's role. But I thought it was also bizarre to see people call it Islamophobic. Pakistan is not Islam, and it is one of the most vile nations. The sole reason for the existence of its military-jihadi complex is the destruction of India. I have grown up through the events in the film, so nothing was a real surprise. I still remember all the major events. The IC-814 hijack, the murder of Rupin Katyal, the Parliament attack, Operation Parakram, and 26/11. I still think about the news where it was revealed that Rupin's wife, Rachna, did not know that he had been killed. If someone has followed these politics, it will be a nice refresher. I have not yet watched Dhurandhar 2, but I am going to watch it soon. Anyway, I hope a good film is released that makes me want to write more. A film with emotions and colors and complexities, and not about brutally cut limbs and broken jaws. But no one is making it these days.
There is a piece that is going viral about the quiet grief of adult friendships. "And perhaps this is why adult friendship feels increasingly radical. It resists the transactional logic modern life rewards everywhere else. Because a real friend offers something profoundly rare: unoptimised presence. Family is structured by blood. Marriage by institution. Work relationships by utility. Friendship survives purely through mutual choosing. Nobody has to stay. And yet some people do." I have written about it here many times before about how I miss my old friends, but they don't talk anymore. I have many friendly work colleagues, but there is a certain formality with them that feels performative.
It is my birthday, but I have been thinking about death in my dreams for the last few weeks. I keep wondering what will happen to me. I am not married, and I don't think I will get married now, as my time for it has passed, just as with much else in life. It is the selfish thought of what will happen to me when I die. It is scary to me, but I chant Hanuman Chalisa. Bhoot pisach nikat nahin aavai, Mahavir jab naam sunavai. All the ghosts, demons, and evil forces keep away, with the sheer mention of your great name. I want something new and nice to happen to me, but it isn't. I will keep working towards it.
Wish you a very Happy Birthday, Pankaj.
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