Birthday Post—2025

It is my annual birthday post, which I have written for the last twenty years. This is birthday number thirty-eight. I have not written anything substantial this year. I don't feel like writing because films are nothing to write about. I started a few draft posts on Jigra, The Mehta Boys, and Superboys of Malegaon, which I never finished. Secondly, I don't feel like writing anything because I have been occupied with many other things. Work, personal, etc. I have mentioned it before, but things have been working out for me. It has been six months, and it is just what it is. The last twelve months have been some of the worst of my life. In a moment of vulnerability, I told my friend T (the only friend who now talks to me these days) that I have never been as miserable as I have been in the last twelve months. I had also been working on something for the previous few months, and it did not work out either. It has been frustrating and helpless, but I don't tell anyone these things because they are my problems. A few kind people sometimes reach out to me when they occasionally read some earlier post, but what do I tell them?

Routine has been my only companion for the last year. I go to work and come back home. I go to the gym and come home. I cook the same thing daily. I drink the same thing daily. I get one free drink from the café at work and order one iced tea daily. The baristas know I will get that, and they don't even bother asking. They smile and say, "You want the iced tea, right?" I watch Jeopardy while completing my steps. This routine keeps me going.  

Work has been okay. Work has not been okay. Two people in my team left in the last few months, and there is no one to do that work, so I am effectively doing a three-person job. It is a thankless job because you know how it is these days. We are all dispensable. Every day, I tell myself I will finish all my pending tasks, but new ones keep coming. That is the new standard these days. What else to do? Ek toh I am not smart also kuch apna kar sakun.  

I have been going to work even on weekends. My manager asked me why I am coming on weekends. I feel lonely and isolated at home. So, I have made it a point to get out of it daily to be active. Otherwise, I go into a spiral of negative thoughts. That is why I go to the office. There is also a quietness in the office that I like. I go to any random seat on the topmost floor of my building. I can see the entire city from there. And, if I have to do office work, I get it done there faster.

I read this book by a former colleague, who mentions her career and how she remained stuck. I felt she was telling my story. The same things happened to me, and I had similar experiences. You know that line, "Apna time aayega." Mera toh time chala bhi gaya. I was such a smart kid in school, but, like in other things, life has also not worked out for me here. Even at the gym, I have plateaued. I have been going for five days, and now my trainer says to do six days. It takes years to build that body.

However, one thing that I did was get my driver's license, and I will finally get a car soon. I know it is shocking that I did not know how to drive until now. Ladkon ko toh vaise hi aa jaati hai, but being the loser I am, I did not know. I never learned it, nor did I want to learn it earlier, but this year, I had to because I wanted to leave my home. I want to travel by myself. So, I finally joined a driving school last year, and after four months, I got my license this year.

And to keep busy, I have been reading many books these days. I have read about fifteen books this year. I used to buy physical books, but have only read digital books this year. I read them faster on my phone. Every day, when commuting or covering my steps on the treadmill, I can read many more pages on my phone. I have always loved contemporary political history and have read many books in this genre. One thing we realize when we read history is that everything in the present has had some connection to the past. These things have always happened, so the present is not unique except for a black swan event (such as Covid, perhaps). It is a continuation of the past. 

I also want to start this meetup group. I will make new friends because my friends don't bother talking to me anymore. Koi baat nahi karta ab. Sab busy ho jaate hain. Or they only ping when they want something. My colleagues are not in Seattle, so it is like always talking to virtual people. Only my mother talks to me and cares about me, but I don't feel like talking to her because she remains worried about me.

And this year, the cold has affected me quite severely. Seattle winters are dark and wet. It may not rain much, but it is always overcast and cold. I used to be okay with it; however, this time, it has made me feel depressed. I miss the sun. Seattle is not the place for me. Besides, people don't talk much here. I don't feel safe. Crime has increased, and I see armed guards standing watch whenever I go to the grocery store. Half of the things are locked. But then, when it comes to which place to go, I cannot decide.

My friend told me today that I hope it works out for you this year. I got a bit emotional. Bas aise hi chal raha hai. Sab aage badhte jaa rahe hain, main peeche jaata ja raha hun. Happy birthday to me.

The Calmness of Beauty—On Demi Moore's Speech

 Link: https://pankajsachdeva.substack.com/p/the-value-of-your-worth

The Calmness of Beauty

I started a new newsletter where I will write about beautiful things I find. I want to continue writing more, so I hope to keep up with it and not give it up after a few weeks. I have written my first post. Here is the link:

Newsletter: https://pankajsachdeva.substack.com/

First Post: https://pankajsachdeva.substack.com/p/the-calmness-of-beauty

Happy New Year

It is 2025. It is a new year. Even though not much changes in life, a new year provides an opportunity to reset and restart.

Like always, I have been thinking of everything I want to do. Start a new newsletter. Write more personal posts. Read more old books. Start a meetup club. Meet new people and learn about their life. Make friends. Practice Yoga more often. Publish my book on Kindle. Learn that language. Go to the doctor. Increase squat weights 2X. Get a six-pack (after waiting for years). Learn public speaking. Grow a beard. Buy that leather jacket. Get that fade haircut. Get a car. Practise gratitude. Learn to not take things seriously. Have the courage to live life on my terms. I plan to do some of these this year. Time is passing quickly. As Bunny once said in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, "Waqt kisi ke liye nahi rukta, beet ta waqt hai, lekin kharch hum hote hain." 

Happiness and sadness are transient. They will come and go based on the moment. But I wish for inner peace and contentment in 2025.

Back to the City

I returned from a short India trip last week. It was okay. I got a little bored at home. I have nothing much to do there. The thing is that all my cousins are married and have kids. I met them once, but it is quite formal with them now. They have made their own life. And, I have no friends left except one whom I met. I wanted to visit Bangalore to visit my other friend. But it did not work out. So I was at home, listening to my mother asking me to eat everything or listening to her talking about everything. It comes from a place of care. But after a while, I don't want to hear it. And you feel so bad and guilty for feeling like this. The relatives I met all ask the same, "Shaadi kab kar rahe ho?" It gets annoying. 

After I returned, I had no heating or hot water at home, as the water heater stopped working. It has been freezing. I had to buy a portable heater, but it was not enough. Finally, the gas company installed a new one after a week, and it is so expensive. Last month, I got locked out of my house. I came to throw the garbage, and the door got closed. It never happens, but something weird happened with the lock. I reached out to my neighbors, but they did not respond. I was standing in the cold and luckily had my phone with me. I did not know whom to call, so I called a locksmith. He came and said he would take $450 to open the door. My god. These experiences teach you a lot about life. Honestly, it has not been a good year for me. Somebody tried to physically attack me earlier. I also dealt with a scam that cost a lot of money. Other challenges and struggles. Things not working out for me in any sphere. Financial losses. Personal losses. Professional losses. It is not about being happy or sad. I don't feel at peace. People move forward. Main na bahut peeche jaata jata ja raha hun. I don't share real issues with anyone because these are my problems. Kya hi ho raha hai. 

I made some observations about how much things have changed in India. I have traveled after four years (more like six years, as in 2020, I was in a 15-day quarantine, so I did not travel out at all).

1. Quick Commerce is big. I saw people using Blinkit and Zepto to order everything in minutes. It works. I am curious to know how much profit these companies are making. 

2. In vitro fertilization (IVF) is huge. I had never seen so many clinics before, but I saw one on every road this time. I saw ads written behind auto-rickshaws. When things can be ordered in minutes, babies are not far behind. Who has the time to be patient and keep trying these days? 

3. Ram and Modi are visible a lot in Delhi. 

4. Kejriwal is also quite big in Delhi.

5. I saw a lot of premium pet products shops. 

6. I saw even more phone shops. 

7. I saw a lot of premium skin care and hair care saloons. 

8. Things are costly. Everything was so expensive. You have to pay Rs.80 to take an autorickshaw for 1.5 km. 

When I was on the flight to Delhi, I watched Oppenheimer. I also watched Luck By Chance again. I learn so much from re-watching this film. The film shows that the stars live in a nice big hotel. The crew lives in a small family lodge. We see the façade of the two hotel buildings. This issue has been raised by some film stars recently, but the film had the insight to show it way back. It is such a fabulous film. On the return flight, I watched Inside Out 2. I also watched parts of Dil Chahta Hai again. This time, I again observed something. I saw a very violent streak in Akash. Akash is angry after Sid slaps him for making fun of his relationship with Tara. He could have hit him back, but he controlled himself. The background score in the scene belies this violent tension. When Sameer visits him the next day, Akash is seething and angry. Later, when he meets a disheveled man at the train station in Sydney, it feels like Akash will hit him again. The background score in this scene is similar to the earlier scene with Sid. Further, when Rohit tries to insult him by reminding him of their first meeting, Akash replies that if anyone had done the same thing with Shalini as he did, he would have killed the person. Finally, in the end, when Rohit tries to hurt Shalini, Akash hits him back. Akash was funny, but simultaneously, he had a violent streak.

I keep thinking that I will write about this topic and that topic, but then I keep forgetting them. I have a list of topics in drafts, but something comes up, and I don't publish them. I am thinking of creating micro-blogs to write very brief posts. I might also create another account on Twitter, given that I can't be honest on my current account. People don't like vulnerable people. I used to write these long posts earlier but now struggle to write them honestly. I also asked Perplexity about my blog, and it is so accurate. 

With nothing working out for me, the only thing that keeps me going is my focus on health. I have worked out regularly for another year [started actively working out in 2021]. I bulked up earlier this year and am now in my cut phase. I was happy with the progress. I want to look good. I want to look elegant and dignified. Not sure if it will ever happen, but it gives me a purpose and keeps me motivated.

More later.

October Sky

It is October. I did not write anything last month but thought of writing something this month. There is not much to write, just the usual happy-sad updates. I have booked my trip to India for the next month. It is funny that I last traveled when the US presidential elections were happening, and now, the next elections are happening. I will travel after four years, but I don't feel excited. Mera bilkul mann nahi lagta vahaan ab but one has to do some things for parents. Not that mera yahaan mann lagta hai, but at least during the week, I have work that keeps me busy. I have started to not like weekends because I keep going into a spiral of negative thinking, which does not make me feel good.

There are some other things that I have been thinking about. I might have mentioned them here before as well. I feel my life is slipping away. I see all these creators talking about their art and doing something interesting with their lives. I also want to do some things but don't know what to do. I don't have any niche talent as such. I don't even write much these days. Even when I try to start, I cannot keep up because I am exhausted during the weekdays. And over the weekend, I have some other health-related things that I am trying to follow. I had started three new Instagram accounts and a new blog related to writing, but I deleted them as I had not posted anything on them for months. I keep wondering if this is what I am supposed to do all my life. My work is fine, but you know it is not life-changing. I also am not a very smart person to vocalize my opinions on Twitter or somewhere. I read a lot, but I don't have many original thoughts. I also try to remain non-controversial because people take offense to the most random things. 

There is this moment in Shuddh Desi Romance where Tara (Vaani Kapoor) says that when you fall out of love, you never forget that moment. I did not have a moment related to love, but something related to friendship. There is that moment when you decide it is not worth being friends with someone who doesn't respect you. After a long time, I tried to meet a friend, but they kept postponing. When they met, they came late and left in ten minutes, saying let's catch up in three to four months. It was also humiliating, even in the ten minutes we spoke. I decided I was not going to meet them ever again. I went to Boston to meet a friend, but I felt they also were trying to avoid meeting me. People change after they get married and have kids. I am not blaming them as they get busy. Since I am not married, I keep expecting the same thing. It is all my fault, so I will not expect anything from anyone. I don't call anyone a best friend. I have a few relatively close friends, but it is not like I speak to them about everything. The issue is mainly with me. Being an introverted loner, I don't know how to make friends. And work friends are not really friends, you know. It is all fake and artificial. Sometimes, I hate myself for overthinking. It is the same reason that is stopping me from being confident. My mother told me she had not seen me khul ke laughing in a long time. I was like, wait, yes. Even I have forgotten. Haha. I was like Naina from Kal Ho Naa Ho. I am not sad or depressed, but you know, I wish things worked out for me, and they are not working out. Because happiness comes internally and reflects on your face. We will see.

I have also been thinking about Laapataa Ladies. It is quite a lovely film. I wanted to write some parts about it but still need to finish, so I thought of writing something now. As the title says, it is about women who are literally lost. But these women are metaphorically lost as well. When Phool gets lost, she finds help from Chotu and Abdul. This reminded me of Rani in Queen, who goes on a solo trip to Paris and Amsterdam on her honeymoon. She meets a bunch of travelers—Oleksander, Taka, and Tim—in the hostel. Like Phool meets Manju Mai, Rani meets Vijay, who becomes her friend and guide from whom she learns the ways of life. Manju Mai is separated from her husband. She tells Phool to be independent. Vijay, too, was free to do whatever she wanted to do. Her independence inspires Rani. In the end, Phool finally takes the name of her husband and goes back to him. She finds herself. In Queen, too, there was the aspect of the name. Vijay shares the same name as Rani's fiancé. Rani does not need Vijay to be happy; Vijay na sahi, Vijaylakshmi to hai. That is why Queen is such a fantastic film, even now. Rani does not go back to Vijay.

I also watched Kalki 2898 AD and CTRL. They were fine. I did not find much to write about them. Early on, Bhairava (Prabhas) spoke about being selfish and thinking about your own side. I thought it was interesting because heroes don't talk much about being selfish in our films. But, as it turns out, he was one of the greatest warriors in his past life, known for his selflessness, Karn. It sets up his role for the next part, where he becomes selfless to save the people. In CTRL, we saw another character that seemed trapped and lonely, as seen in many other Vikramaditya Motwane's characters.

 

A few days ago, Han Kang became the first Korean and the first woman from any Asian country to be honored with the Nobel Prize in Literature. I was reminded of Past Lives when Nora said she was leaving Korea because "Koreans don't win the Nobel Prize in Literature." Twelve years later, she wanted to win the Pulitzer Prize. Then, another twelve years later, she wished for a Tony award. I wanted to win the Nobel as well. Haha. More seriously, though, life humbles us all, and we learn about our reality. Every child is special, but only a few adults become extraordinary. I used to think being average was not bad, but I now feel you must be the best in at least one thing, like being really, really good. Main to yahaan bhi peeche reh gaya. Haha.

Health-wise, I am now in the cut phase, where I have to lose about 10 kgs. I gained about 12 kgs in the last nine months, so I am reducing all the weight. It is a bit hard to survive on 1,500 calories after eating 2,500 calories, but it is fine. I have to do this to look the best. It gives me a purpose. I go to the gym five days and do 10,000 steps daily. It makes me tired, which is good because I can sleep faster and not waste my time in random browsing. I hope it works out for me.

It is also the Fall season, my favorite season when I go to the same places every year and click pictures of the same trees. Here are some pictures from today. I will post some more soon on my Instagram account.

I had more topics but will write about them in the next update.

Quote of the Day:

"Fall teaches us how beautiful it can be to let go."

Memories in August

Facebook has the Memories feature. Every day, it shows the posts one had written on Facebook on the same day in prior years. Today, Facebook showed me a picture I had posted from the Iowa City library in 2012. It is the DVD of Dilwale Dulhanie Le Jayenge. It took me back to the days when I came to the US in August 12 years ago. I still have the embarrassing first post I wrote on this blog when I came here. It was one of the most eventful days I have had. This blog used to be my diary. Time flies. So much has changed in these 12 years that I cannot even begin where to start. There are the physical changes. Studying in Iowa City, working in Seattle, living in Luxembourg City for a while, coming back to Seattle, moving houses. There are also the mental changes. I have become a different person. Sometimes, I don't like the person I have become, but maturity teaches us that we must do some things even if they are uncomfortable. I wish I was more confident and more masculine in life. I am working towards it. One day at a time.

Talking of memories, I was listening to Phir Dekhiye from Rock On!!. The film ends with this message. And, today, CDs are virtually non-existent. Time changes so much.

There has been no good Hindi film worth watching for the last three to four months. It's such a terrible time. I was looking at the films released in 2007 and 2012. What years were these? There were so many good films. I don't feel like writing about any film because there is not any worth writing about. I sometimes follow Reddit these days. I occasionally come across posts about film stars, which makes me dislike them a lot—I know Reddit is not to be trusted, but there is some truth somewhere. No one is a saint, and these people are humans, but the kind of adulation these stars receive and how they behave—one just starts disliking them. That is why I am not a fan of any of these people. I can never be a big 'fan.' I admire their work and wish to learn something from it. And I have always been able to separate the art from the artist. I have no moral compunctions in that sense. If a good film comes, I will watch it.

Because there are no good films, I find comfort in old films. I was watching parts of Rangeela again. My god. While I wish the film's production quality was better so it did not look dated, it is terrific and era-defining. The way it presents Urmila Matondkar in the songs is gorgeous. Somebody put in the effort to be different, and it worked beautifully. Simply amazing. And, the music. The best. The flute at the beginning of Tanha Tanha Yahan Pe Jeena makes me so joyful. I was also thinking that Ram Gopal Varma gave Urmila two contrasting heroine roles in his films. The commoner becomes a star in Rangeela. The star runs away to live as a commoner in Mast.

Ending the post with the beautiful words that Shah Rukh Khan said when Yash Chopra passed away. Can he please finish his book? Of all the SRK personas, the writer one is the best. Desperately seeking Shah Rukh–the writer.

Kabhi kabhi apne baare me sochna bahut zaroori ho jata hai

Even though I have been trying a lot, things have not been working out for me. This has made me miserable and helpless. To cheer myself up, I browsed through some old posts and comments on all my social media accounts. On Instagram, I used to be so funny. I put a fake invitation card of being invited to Katrina Kaif and Vicky Kaushal's wedding, and some people believed I got invited. These days, I don't feel like putting anything. I also read through the messages and comments that I received on this blog. I have nearly a thousand comments and about three hundred emails. Reading some of the messages made me emotional. That at least some posts resonated with people. I have always had self-confidence issues, but some of these messages have made me feel that I am not that bad. Also, some people told me that they liked reading the slightly melancholic and vulnerable posts I had written. I avoided writing those as I felt people would make fun of a grownup man talking like this. Confident people are admired everywhere, after all. I also noticed that many times, people would send me friend requests and messages sharing their vulnerable moments. They would talk and share things for some time, almost becoming friends. But after some time, they stop. It is because they were going through some difficult times and found me in that moment of vulnerability. Most of the comments I get are from people randomly searching for something. I remove them from my social media if I have not spoken to them for quite a while. I wish them the best.

While browsing my old emails, I found this news article about an earthquake in Delhi in 2011. I used to comment on some articles on news sites, and they included this comment in the article on NDTV. I miss this funny, idiotic side of me.

I have also been thinking of Dil To Pagal Hai. I love love love that film. I was thinking about how Pooja thrives in spaces where nobody else except her exists. She fully comes alive when no one is watching her. Rahul describes Maya as the one who dances only for herself. "Woh sirf apne liye naachti hai," he says. All through the film, we see Pooja doing things by herself. On Valentine's Day, she buys herself a gift. Rahul first spots her when she is dancing alone in the studio. Her feet start thumping to the beats of the drum, and she cannot stop herself. Naturally, Rahul would find his Maya in her.

There is also Aai (Aruna Irani) with whom Pooja is close. I love the character of Aai. She could easily perceive something special brewing between Pooja and Rahul. She is mature enough to let them confess their love for each other on their own. Instead of embarrassing and confronting them together, she speaks to them separately and guides them to overcome their internal challenges. She nudges Pooja to be more selfish and think about herself. "Kabhi kabhi apne baare me sochna bahut zaroori ho jata hai." She advises Pooja to stop running from her dreams. In a culture that fetishes self-sacrifice, it is a remarkable advice to be a bit selfish.

And, of course, the film's beautiful ending—the tape recorder, the walk on the stage—how can anyone not fall in love? I have to write about this fantastic film.

I was also listening to this beautiful song by Silk Route. Sabse peeche hum khade. Duniya ki is bheed mein, sabse peeche hum khade.

I also found this stunning piece of advice. I think I really, really needed it. I think we all need it. As they said, "Apni kahani hai. Ending change kar lenge." I wish I could imagine a decent future for myself.

Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

I don't like weekends when I fall sick and spend my time in bed, barely able to get up. This was one such weekend. I watched Do Aur Do Pyaar and kept thinking about it. Sometimes, love is not enough. Will try to write on it if I feel like it. 

On Memories and Places

In Vianden in Luxembourg

Today, June 23rd, is Luxembourgish National Day. On this day, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg's official birthday is celebrated as the country's annual national holiday. I am writing this because I saw some friends posting pictures and stories on Instagram. It took me to the day I landed in Luxembourg City five years ago at the same time, and it was a Sunday as well. Life comes full circle. I cannot believe it is five years already. So much has happened since then. I lived there for about two years, then Covid happened, and then I came back to the United States (which was another nightmare; I remember when I came back, my manager at work told me that she was shocked I made it back given all the complications I had to go through). And so many other things. I was so nervous before going to Luxembourg. How will I survive? How will it work out? Will it be fine? It was not easy, for sure. It was very difficult at work, and I had to do some things that were way too technical. I had to work till 2 or 3 at night on some days. I once cried in front of a friend because it was stressful. Sometimes, I had to take the blame for others' mistakes. I still remember the day I took a conference call from a toilet in Paris because somebody had escalated something, and that was the only quiet place I found. I was traveling to Paris to get my UK visa. I also made some mistakes, but I survived. Take each day as it comes and go through it. Ask for help. Be dependable. That experience has taught me so much. I do not feel afraid of any complicated thing now. I am like, I will figure it out. It has instilled a sense of confidence in me. I am so thankful for the experience, even if it was difficult. As they say, no pain, no gain.

I have so many memories associated with the place. Someone living there must get a medical test within a week of arrival to the city. So when I arrived, I went for a medical check-up, and lo and behold, I found my friend Y from Seattle at the same place. I had no idea she was living in Luxembourg. We both joined the same day in Seattle and then remained in touch. Then, I saw her at the doctor's place. It was shocking, but I felt relieved she was also there. And, funnily, a few months later, she joined my team. Then, gradually, I got to know more people. My friend T became my lunch partner, with whom I used to talk about anything. My work partner V is now one of my few close friends. X still pings me after every few days. T and S are still in touch. We all used to sometimes walk in the winter sun after lunch for 15 minutes and talk about random stuff. I miss the time there. But I am not sure I will go back because the memories we associated with that time are still there. Now, these friends have also moved away from there. I have so many memories which I will write before I forget because, as they said in The Lunchbox, "I think we forget things if we have no one to tell them to."

My Friend T

I have been back in Seattle for quite a while. I am more settled here but feel I am not making any memories. I know a lot of people, but they are more like acquaintances. They are nice friends, but not close friends. The relationship is very formal. It is just work-related. I have only one close friend, S, who has been with me since graduate school. Rest, you know, people are busy and don't talk much outside of work. It is a very Seattle problem. It is called Seattle Freeze. Even at work, people don't wish birthdays or other events. It is very formal and kept private. The other thing is that most people are married and have kids. They get busy. Some friends just change suddenly. It hurts, but again, one must give the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is going through their challenges. I am not sad or anything, but only stating my experience. Our lives are defined by our choices, and all these are choices I have made. I am fine with them, but I want to make more memories. 

In other news, I completed ten years at work. It is a big thing for me personally, although no one really cares at work. When I first joined, I thought I must survive for one year. And now, it is ten years. I don't know how long I will be here during these uncertain economic times. But I will again say that it has changed my life in so many ways. It has taught me a lot and made me a stronger person. Sometimes, I compare myself to others and don't feel good. Because I wanted to achieve some things but could not. I feel bad some days. But it is fine. I will work towards them gradually. One step at a time. It will work out. Apni kahani hai, ending change kar lenge. Remain thankful. Ask. Believe. Receive. Nam Myoho-renge-kyo.

I got a new red badge. The old badge has an ugly photograph. I don't like it now. :)

Memorable Moments of 2023

Six months of 2024 have already passed. It is too late to talk about the films of last year, but I wanted to write about some memorable moments from the films of 2023, something I have tried to do for the last few years. Writing has been difficult for the last few months, but better late than never. 

1. Ponniyin Selvan: II: It is my favorite film from 2023. Mani Ratnam returned with the sequel of his adapatation of Kalki's novel. In the most stunning moment of the film, Aditha (Vikram) and Nandini (Aishwarya Rai) finally converse face-to-face. Nandini had called him to her chambers. Aditha tells her he will give up everything if she comes with her. He will sever his ties with his family. He will give away the kingdom. They will run away and start a life of their own. Nandini seems moved by this proposal to start life again and almost acquiesces. However, the moment of vulnerability soon passes, and they return to reality. Nandini wants to see herself on the throne, she tells Aditha. She wants to live in a palace and enjoy the privilege of royalty. Aditha knew that Nandini wanted to kill him, yet he decided to go to her chambers without hesitation. He says he values her more than his life when he meets her. He is already a living corpse, as he does not have a soul. He is ashamed of himself for having become so heartless. He was prepared to die. When Nandini refuses his proposal, he gives her his dagger and embraces her so that it inserts into him. And then, he goes away from this world forever. The moment is shot beautifully. Aishwarya Rai is just magnificent and, perhaps, gave the best performance from last year.

2. Three of Us: Avinash Arun's Three of Us was another favorite film of last year. Shefali Shah plays Shailaja, a woman who embarks on a journey to her hometown before she loses her memory. Early in the film, an old lady starts saying something to Shailaja. This moment is repeated later when she meets another old lady in Vengurla. Shailaja tells the old lady that everyone told her that she would have died and that she would have forgotten her. But the lady replies that she is alive precisely because Shailaja remembered her. The old lady, unseen by others, symbolizes Shailaja's personal memory. The old lady has not aged as she continues to live on in Shailaja's mind. She is not seen by anyone as she is only Shailaja's personal memory. Three of Us underscores memories' non-linearity and inherently personal nature and explores how they can resurface at any moment.

3. 12th Fail: Vidhu Vinod Chopra's soaring tale of never giving up is inspiring. The beautifully made film has many memorable moments. The cheating scenes, the interaction with the honest police officer, and the final interview moment. But there was this poignant moment where I just could not hold up. Manoj (Vikrant Massey) is living in an aata-chakki where he cannot even stand fully erect. His father comes to meet him, and he is shocked by his son's living conditions. He breaks down seeing him and says he is ready to relinquish his honesty to give his family a better life. Manoj consoles his father and reminds him of the poem about not giving up, which he used to teach them. At this moment, Manoj becomes emotionally mature, becoming the father to his father. And all the while, he still has a smile on his face. Haar nahi manunga, raar nayi thanunga.

4. Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani: Karan Johar revisits his past films and adapts them to the present world in Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani. Scenes of Tota Roy Chowdhury are still memorable even a year after the film's release. He plays Rani's father, Chandon, and is a Kathak dancer—an uncommon male profession. Chandon believes that today's men do not have the rhythm, and girls like the rhythm of their men. Later, Chandon takes on the stage at a Punjabi wedding and dances with full fervor on Kahe Chhed Mohe from Devdas. The audience, not used to seeing a man perform a Kathak dance with grace and elegance, makes fun of him. Chandon recounts his life story at home, where he had been humiliated for his passion for dance since childhood. His father even hit him. But ultimately, his mother encourages him because "Hunar ka koi gender nahi hota." It is so moving to see the pain people carry in their hearts. This also seems to be Johar's personal story, recounted in interviews, where he said that he used to love dancing as a kid but was mocked for the same. Finally, this dance trope culminates during Durga Puja, where he and Rocky (Ranveer Singh) dance on Dola Re from Devdas. The iconic dance was filmed on two women—Aishwarya Rai and Madhuri Dixit—in the original film. Two men dance to the same song, as they said earlier, "Hunar ka koi gender nahi hota."

5. Satya Prem Ki Katha: Sameer Vidwans' take on Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam was a nice little film. It discussed the roles of heroes and supporting heroes in our lives. There is a lovely moment in the film when Sattu's mother (Supriya Pathak) tells her husband that if you can alleviate someone's pain, at least don't make it worse. Agar kisi ka dukh samajh nahi sakte, toh use badhao mat. I loved the Aaj Ke Baad sequence. We don't make such colorful songs anymore.

6. Jaane Jaan: Sujoy Ghosh's adaptation of The Devotion of Suspect X was another lovely film. Jaideep Ahlawat as Naren was amazing. He plays a teacher who loves his neighbor Maya (Kareena Kapoor Khan). He also feels pangs of envy of the other men in Maya's life. Maya kills her husband, and he comes to rescue her. When he removes the husband's body, he looks at him and says he might not be as good-looking as him, but at least he is alive. Similarly, he looks at his old college friend Karan (Vijay Varma) and realizes he has maintained himself well. Even though they both are the same age, he looks twice as old. He also seems to want to have more hair. In a stunning scene, he thinks of Maya and Karan spending time together at the Karaoke bar. He repeatedly shakes his head, but all in vain. Then, he does a bit of Jujutsu at night in the middle of the road. It is a pacifying moment depicting that negative energy can be channeled to art forms. Jujutsu, after all, is a martial art.

7. Mrs. Chatterjee vs Norway: Ashima Chibber's film was a bit over-the-top and caricaturish for me to fully like it. However, this one scene comes to my mind when I think about it. At a press conference, Devika (Rani Mukherji) complains to the Indian minister about the Norwegian government taking away her kids. When she comes home, she makes a mashup of milk, rice, and a banana and starts eating. Her mother-in-law curses her, but Devika keeps stuffing it in her mouth. She eats the food that she likely gives it to her kids. I wish the film had some nuance. It also reminds me how much fun Chibber's first film Mere Dad Ki Maruti was.

8. Pathaan: Shah Rukh Khan returned to box-office form with three blockbusters in Pathaan, Jawan, and Dunki. Unfortunately, none of these films are memorable; I have already forgotten them. But there is this one scene in Pathaan where the eponymous Pathaan talks about his broken body. He says his body contains metal parts, titanium discs, and biodegradable screws. He uses the Japanese art of kintsugi to appreciate this brokenness. Kintsugi is the art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, based on the idea that embracing flaws and imperfections can create a more beautiful piece of art. The process of repairing things creates something more unique and resilient. He uses kintsugi to build a force of similar people whose bodies and souls are broken—kuch ke shareer zakhmi hain, kuch ki rooh ghayal hai—to become more broken in the service of their country.

9. The Archies: Zoya Akhtar's train to nostalgia was not quite memorable. Beautiful world-building, but let down by a disappointing story and bland performances. Only Vedang Raina showed some spark. There is a lovely scene between his character, Reggie, and his friend, Dilton (Yuvraj Menda). Dilton is gay and is in love with Reggie. He has never explicitly said it, but it was quite visible as Dilton always protected Reggie. At one point, Reggie comes to Dilton and acknowledges his love for him. He tells him that he understands what Dilton feels for him and how difficult it must be to know he does not feel the same. He is his friend and will always be. And he will not tell anyone about them because "It is your story to tell."

10. Animal: Sandeep Reddy Vanga's Animal was difficult to sit through. His first film, Kabir Singh, still had some emotions, but Animal was largely unwatchable for me. I really try to watch films with an open mind, but this was just weird (for example, Vanga has this weird fascination with pubic hair; not just Animal, even Kabir Singh had a scene with it). He could have toned down these weird parts and focused on the man's obsession with his father. Anyhow, there are some fleeting moments that I remember. At one point, one character says that building relationships is like writing with sand on sand, and being true to them is like writing on water with water. Or, at another point, when Ranvijay (Ranbir Kapoor) says, "Happiness is a decision." Like the moment 'Suffering is personal; let him suffer,' this is also a deep and philosophical line. I wish it had more such moments.

Other Mentions: 

Amit Rai's OMG2 might be the first film in Hindi cinema that mentions the Hindi word for vagina. Konkona Sensharma's second directorial, The Mirror in Lust Stories 2, again showed the lack of space for the fulfillment of sexual desires (something Alankrita Srivastava has also often explored in her films). Nitesh Tiwari's Bawaal, about a couple navigating marital life through the lessons from the Second World War, became a topic of much ridicule. Still, the film had a heart with the right intentions. Arjun Varain Singh's Kho Gaye Hum Kahan had a splendid performance from Ananya Panday (I have always liked her; she has not yet given a bad performance in any of her films.) It also gave a great song—Ishq Nachaawe. 

Other Reading:
1. On Ponniyin Selvan: II—Link

2. On Three of Us—Link

3. On 12th Fail—Link

4. On Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani—Link

5. On Jaane Jaan—Link

6. On Pathaan—Link

Dialogue of the Day:

"Happiness is a decision."

—Ranvijay, Animal