Sunday, February 17, 2013

Of Love A Choice, Adele, Downton Abbey, Change, Doodle, And Etiquette...


Long time no see..

I do not know what has happened to me but it seems that I have forgotten everything. How to write, how to think, how to read.. I have not watched a Hindi movie since December :( I think I am losing myself as a person..whatever I had, it seems to be withering away with time. Becoming emotionless day by day. Actually there is too much on the plate right now that I don't even get the time to think. Somehow, I am not enjoying it all..too much pressure and all that. I like studying but the extra things are scaring the hell out of me. I have purchased a planner to sort it out. I forget the things that are to be done. Everyday I make a list of things to do and then keep pushing it till the last minute. It is not fun. But this is what I knowingly signed for, so who else will bear the brunt of it. The thing that worries is that I am not smart enough for all this. I have to really work hard for things to get done unlike some people for whom it might be a breeze. I see my friends winning case competitions, etc., etc. I could never win because as I said I am just not smart enough..what do I know? Finance, marketing, operations? Nothing except what I learn in class. I hate this feeling when you realize that probably you are not good enough but I have come to terms to it. So I keep finding reasons to convince myself. 

And since this was Valentine's week, Meredith Grey Quotes writes on the page:

In the eight grade, my English class had to read "Romeo and Juliet". Then for extra credit, Ms. Synder made us act out all the parts. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous, but I had a slightly different take. I told Ms. Synder, Juliet was an idiot. For starters she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have, then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Ms. Synder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13 I was very clear that love, like life, is about making choices, and fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it's so romantic. Romeo and Juliet, true love, how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink the bottle of the poison and go to sleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got!

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. And if they could've known that beforehand, maybe it would've all been OK. I told Ms. Synder that when I was grown up, I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Synder said I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and if I did, we would be together forever. Even now I believe for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time, and that sometimes despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

And this is what I what I was thinking. Is love a choice? Can you really force yourself to fall in love with someone? But then how do you fall in love? Everyone talks about falling in love, but I am not able to figure how do people fall in love and why do people fall in love with someone? I think love is not a choice, but as they say, it just happens. Remember how Maya tried so much in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna but she just could not love Rishi. And who does she fall in love with - arrogant, cynical man. Somehow, I don't agree with the concept of first love, which I find preposterous. But then I still do not know why people fall in love or how do they fall in love? I just cannot think these days. What has happened to me :(

Who needs someone when we have Adele. She just shakes you from inside.. Love her.. 

Adele - Someone Like You..

Adele - Set Fire to the Rain

And this week's cosmic connection theory has been change. I had written this post for the school blog.

We had three different classes talking about how to manage change. And this week on Grey's, two episodes talked about exactly the same thing we learnt in class. We talked about standardization of procedures, removal of waste, lean principles to improve efficiency and change management. And the Grey's episode talked about exactly the same principles, so they decided to shut down the ER. And I hated it when they shut it down and then I realized how much of a hypocrite I was. I wrote about it and when it happened to something dear to me, I resisted it. As they say, it is indeed easier said than done. They said if they didn't shut down the ER, the hospital won't exist, so it is very important to take some steps now rather than regret later. It is funny no? 

So this week, before I went to bed I started to watch some episodes of Downton Abbey. Oh! I am hooked onto it. I have always been a fan of English Classics and I simply love this show now. It is about an English aristocrat family living in Downton, England during the First World War. Lord Grantham's heir died in the Titanic incident and he has three daughters. As per English law of that time, women were not allowed to inherit property. So his property will now go to some third cousin of his, Matthew Crawley. It is the story of how they deal with the changes. What I really like about the show is that the Grantham family is so good to their servants. The servants form a very important part of the story. What I also like is that the characters are just so real. They are neither too good nor too bad. They are grey - just so real. All of them slowly grow on you. At first, I did not like Mary, the eldest daughter but as the story passes, you will grow fond of her. She is so troubled from inside. Also, the narrative ties in political events of that time like how the murder of Archbishop Ferdinand of Austria led to First World War or how feminism came into England or the invention of the telephone. It is fascinating. English culture is so graceful. My favorite characters are Matthew Crawley, one of the smartest people on the show, who has fallen in love with Mary but she doesn't love him back, so he gets engaged to someone else. I love Sybil, one of the most headstrong and feminist characters on the show. In fact, I really like all of them - Cora, Anna, Lord Grantham, Mr. Carson, Daisy, Mrs. Patmore. It is my current favorite. And as always, they also talked about change :)

"Life's altered you and it's altered me. And what would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us." -Mr. Carson

And did you see Valentine's Day Google Doodle. It was hilarious. If love was a choice, why would a hare fall in love with a turtle? ;-)


This week I had a dining etiquette session - how to eat using fork and knife. I still cannot eat using a fork and knife (it doesn't cut!) but now at least I know all the rules. It was nice..oh the things they teach in schools :) Will write later about it.

And it was M's birthday yesterday. She liked the present I gave so much that she wrote on her Facebook status as got the best present ever. Ah! she is just too melodramatic. 

So much more to write but don't know how to write.. more later. I think I have lost myself for the bad :(

Dialogue of the Day:
"Aatma tab pavitra hoti hai jab manushya janm leta hai, phir dheere dheere manushya us aatma ko maar deta hai, nasha kar kar ke."
 - No Smoking

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Of One Amazing Thing, Draupadi, Illusions, God, Cold, Is Love Enough, and Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me..

Long time no see.

The last week caught me. So many things were happening that I thought what is this happening to me. 

Apartment search for the next semester, the team that I am with this semester is not good, the project is way too complicated, internship search, application rejects, the behavior of friends and some other people, too much homework, GA work, family problems, the cold weather - so many things. But it's ok. Apni help I have to do it myself. Kaun ayega yahan? I will be fine. I will fight it out like I always try to :)

So I gave some thought to the 'One Amazing Thing'. There are a lot of short stories in my mind about myself. I will tell one really short one. I don't know if I can call it amazing or not but it is to me. This happened when I was about five to six years old. There was a dinner at our place and some guests were supposed to come. So my mom made some rice, which is a staple item if any guest is coming. So that time, I was feeling hungry. I asked my mom to give some of it to me. I ate it but you know how kids eat rice no? They will spread it out on the plate and after eating some part of it, it gives the impression that you have eaten all of it. But in reality, if you collect all the leftover rice on the plate, it will make almost half of it. You know what I mean. So I did the same. I was about to throw the plate in the kitchen and it was when my dad stopped me. He then told me to finish the rice. I told him I have finished it. So he then tells me a story from the Mahabharata. Once, when the Pandavas were in exile, Krishna comes to their place and asked if Draupadi had anything to eat because he was hungry. Draupadi says that she had nothing except the one grain of rice which was sticking to the vessel from which Draupadi had just eaten. He ate that single grain of rice and said that is more than sufficient. Then my dad told me that Krishna ate one grain of rice and you are wasting so much of it! From that day till now, I make it a point to eat my complete plate of rice without leaving one grain of rice on the place. I learned a valuable lesson that day and still try to follow it.  I love the Mahabharata. It has been rightly called the greatest story ever told. We had the Mahabharata in Class Seven in Hindi and I loved it. It was a condensed version but there are numerous short stories that we don't get to hear about like the one above. 

There was another short story that I read in Class 4 that involved Draupadi. This time what happens, in order for a yagya to be successful, Draupadi calls a bunch of sadhus for lunch at the palace. She had made some delicious dishes. But there was one sadhu who ate all of it but he mixed all the dishes that she had prepared. When she saw that, she was all the while thinking in her head, that she had prepared such dishes with such hard work and how is this sadhu mixing all of them without tasting them. Eventually, the yagya didn't become successful. So again she called him and he did the same and again she felt the same and the yagya failed the second time. So she asked the sadhu that was there something lacking in her food that the yagya is not becoming successful. The sadhu told her that there was some impurity. But it was not the food but her heart. She made everything but in her heart, she was judging or questioning the way the sadhu was eating and that was leading to the yagya's failure. The next time the yagya became successful when she removed all impure thoughts from her mind. Isn't this so fascinating? And you would have definitely read another story from Mahabharat when Yudhishitira had to answer some questions before he could drink water from the pond. What a brilliant story.
And you know what the funny thing is that yesterday M sends me a message this week that One Amazing Thing is a great book and that I should read the other book by Chitra Divakaruni called the Palace of Illusions. I had no idea that Palace of Illusions is written by Chitra but I knew the book. Do you know what it is about? It is basically the story of Mahabharta from Draupadi's perspective. Isn't this weird? I mean for the last two weeks I was thinking of my 'One Amazing Thing' which is related to Mahabharata and yesterday I get to know that Chitra's other book talks about Mahabharata and that too Draupadi! It is these funny cosmic connections that continue to surprise me. It is indeed true what she said in her talk that we all are connected in some way or the other and it is when we share such stories we realize how much we have in common. It is so true..just happened now. Talking of Palace of Illusions, I have been dying to read it. I love different perspectives. Cuckold is my favorite book ever because it talks about Meera's story from her husband's viewpoint. And I already know I will love Palace of Illusions because the concept is terrific. If only I had time to read more ya :( Saari life aise hi time nahi hai karte nikal jayegi... that is why I feel if only I could make a career out of reading :( I will read it for sure.

So I was walking with R to the class and I asked him "Do you believe in God?" He then told me to first say why am I asking it. I just told him that for the last few months, I have been thinking about whether there is God. There is so much suffering in the world and if there was a God why doesn't he stop it. Why does he give so much pain to some people who have never hurt someone in their life? My mom and dad believe in the Radha Soami (Beas) sect and ever since I was young I believed in it too. But I never questioned it - what is it? Why? I used to go to Gurudwara but did going there make me a good person? Does spending five minutes there wash all my sins? I go to the Church here sometimes but is God really there? R then told me that it is a trick question. And he has also thought about it a lot. He tried to read the Upanishads but couldn't because they were too complex. But he said if you are questioning the existence of God, then it makes you self-aware and makes you introspect and maybe this awareness will give you the answer in some time. We couldn't continue it but I told him we should discuss it later. I think Buddhism and Radha Soami are so close to each other in terms of what they preach and they talk about self-awareness. Do you believe in God? Why? I have written about it like the Jerry Pinto or Christopher Hitchens and what Amit Verma wrote. Read again this terrific piece that is so relevant today!

And it was so so cold this week. I missed my bus and had to walk 1.5 miles in -18 degrees. It was insane. It felt like -30 during the night. I just found that Dr. Alex from Grey's is from Iowa! No wonder he is so cool :P
Someone made a snowman or snowman outside.
It was J's Birthday too :)
And you know what on Facebook, I get this message from someone I don't know and I was like what is this?!?! Now what do I make out of it? I mean why? What?

So it is Valentine's Week :) I am happy alone. But you know I have taken this Netflix connection. Every night before I sleep I either watch an episode of Grey's for a few minutes or listen to a song or watch some movie scenes. So in an episode, Derek gives a girl's message to her fiance, which she wanted him to tell in case she died during the surgery. She dies and Derek delivers the message to her fiance. He said:
She asked me to tell you...She wanted you to know that if love were enough..that if love were enough, that she'd still be here with you
I think it is a beautiful statement. If love were enough.. and you know the song, Senorita, they say, chahat ke do pal bhi duniya me mil paayein, duniya me bhi yeh bhi kam hai kya.
On one side, some people are saying that in life, sometimes love is not enough, and on the other side, they are saying in life, just two words of love are enough. But how does it feel to be loved by someone? I don't know :( Derek knows.
It's Like I Was Drowning And You Saved Me
And since it is Valentine's Week, you have to watch this video, where Meredith asks Derek to pick her, love her.
I lied. I’m not out of this relationship. I’m in. I’m so in, it’s humiliating because here I am begging. Ok here it is: Your choice, it’s simple: her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great… But Derek, I love you. In a really really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let your eat the last piece of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window! Unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me!
Have so much more to write, more later :)

Dialogue of the Day:
"Kabhi to pehli mulakat hi kafi hoti hai, aur kabhi bahut si mulakaatein lag jati hain."
—Karan, Hum Tum

Sunday, February 3, 2013


So how do I begin..

Warning: Sad Post Alert.

This last week has been of the most difficult weeks. It has been more than six months and it was the first time that I really wanted to go home. Yes, the first time. I think I am a very strong person emotionally or rather I should say I am very good in hiding emotions (except here). But this week I don't know what happened to me I was lost. Whatever I do, something or the other goes wrong. It was as if something is eating me from inside. And this something is 'uncertainty'. Uncertainty about everything. People say you have to be comfortable with uncertainty. I just cannot be. This 'what if' is most troubling. I have been getting this feeling something terrible is going to happen to me. There is this fear that has crept inside me. I don't know what it is. Maybe the depressing cold weather. Why do I always have to try so hard.. I get tired.. jitna I run from problems, utni hi aur khadi ho jati hain.. Maybe because I am an escapist that is why. I always try to be happy but kya karoon. I was so irritated at the behavior of some people, especially P and M - whenever they had any problem I used to just listen.. I don't know how to provide solutions. I can only listen but when their problem is over, this is how you behave? Am I a tissue paper kya? Everybody has problems in their life but how can you say my problem is bigger, so I don't care about yours! Kuch bhi theek nahi ho raha..kuch na kuch beech me aa jata hai..I listen to Meredith's quotes and agree so much with them but still do not learn from it. Such a hypocrite..
And after three months, you send me a message that you want to speak urgently. I felt nice at least you remembered me and think of me when you need help but did you ask me how am I? When it comes to listening, no one cares..That is why I don't tell things to anyone.. Mere ko har koi chhod ke chala jata hai. I still feel hurt when somebody you are friends with for 15 years stops everything. 
And upar se I am just filled with thoughts of regret. Why didn't I do some things earlier? Why didn't I plan things properly? Why was I such a closed person? I compromised on each and every stage..did things which I really never wanted to do and then kept getting trapped everywhere. I always took wrong decisions.. made wrong choices and still did not learn from them. I am so stupid. This past week, I have been so vocal on FB and so silent on Twitter and it is the other way round. Main kya solution nikalu? I really want to be happy in life.. sab theek ho jayega na?