Whatever...

So how do I begin..

Warning: Sad Post Alert.

This last week has been of the most difficult weeks. It has been more than six months and it was the first time that I really wanted to go home. Yes, the first time. I think I am a very strong person emotionally or rather I should say I am very good in hiding emotions (except here). But this week I don't know what happened to me I was lost. Whatever I do, something or the other goes wrong. It was as if something is eating me from inside. And this something is 'uncertainty'. Uncertainty about everything. People say you have to be comfortable with uncertainty. I just cannot be. This 'what if' is most troubling. I have been getting this feeling something terrible is going to happen to me. There is this fear that has crept inside me. I don't know what it is. Maybe the depressing cold weather. Why do I always have to try so hard.. I get tired.. jitna I run from problems, utni hi aur khadi ho jati hain.. Maybe because I am an escapist that is why. I always try to be happy but kya karoon. I was so irritated at the behavior of some people, especially P and M - whenever they had any problem I used to just listen.. I don't know how to provide solutions. I can only listen but when their problem is over, this is how you behave? Am I a tissue paper kya? Everybody has problems in their life but how can you say my problem is bigger, so I don't care about yours! Kuch bhi theek nahi ho raha..kuch na kuch beech me aa jata hai..I listen to Meredith's quotes and agree so much with them but still do not learn from it. Such a hypocrite..
And after three months, you send me a message that you want to speak urgently. I felt nice at least you remembered me and think of me when you need help but did you ask me how am I? When it comes to listening, no one cares..That is why I don't tell things to anyone.. Mere ko har koi chhod ke chala jata hai. I still feel hurt when somebody you are friends with for 15 years stops everything. 

And upar se I am just filled with thoughts of regret. Why didn't I do some things earlier? Why didn't I plan things properly? Why was I such a closed person? I compromised on each and every stage..did things which I really never wanted to do and then kept getting trapped everywhere. I always took wrong decisions.. made wrong choices and still did not learn from them. I am so stupid. This past week, I have been so vocal on FB and so silent on Twitter and it is the other way round. Main kya solution nikalu? I really want to be happy in life.. sab theek ho jayega na?