Saturday, May 29, 2010

Aise Kitne Log Hain...

Today Luck By Chance was coming.. It is one of my favourite favourite movies and Konkona says in the end "Main khush hun kyunki main vo kar rahi hun jise muje khushi milti hai, aise kitne log hai jo yeh yeh keh sakte hai? Paise bhi theek thaak kama leti hun aur maine khush rehna seekh liya hai." Hmm if only we all could say that...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Of 23rd Birthday...

Hi... As usual I have been ignoring you my dear blog..but you know I just can't live without are my only friend to whom I tell you everything..

Hmmm.. So a lot has been happening lately.. the last I wrote about was when I was about to leave for Saat-taal.. A lot has taken place in life last month.. and all has been related to office seems that office has become my life! Monday-Friday in office..come back by around 8-8.15 everyday and feel sleepy aate hi.. and Saturday and Sunday I keep thinking of what happened in office or what could happen in office.. It seems as if there is nothing else going on..

A lot of bad things have happened while some good things also did take place..
Hmmm.. on May 19, 2010 I turned 23 :(
I know birthdays are an occasion to be happy about this was probably the saddest part for me..turning 23!!!! OMG! 23?????? shit! it hit me as it always does like a thunderbolt.. 23 is such an aadmi type age.. I had imagined that at 23 my life would be like this like that but alas! kuch nahi mila abhi tak voh.. I don't even know how to behave properly even though now I am a working professional. I don't want to grow is running too fast and all life I will keep cribbing rather than taking any action...some of the people at 23 have everything in they wanted..pata nahi ya! I am very sad for turning 23 :( So, how was the birthday? Hitesh was the first person to wish me! I will write more about him in the coming paragraphs...He calls me at 8.45 PM on 18 May only, saying, "yaar, main bahut tight hun aaj, jaate hi so jaunga, so Happy Birthday. Apne birthday par na kuch bada kariyo! Samjh gaya!" Hahaha! tight???? pagal hai ekdum pagal vo! then at 12, friends started calling and messaging.. thanks to all :) Normally, I don't put my birthday as a notification either on Orkut or Facebook but this year I did not remove it from Facebook, so a lot many people sent their wishes.. but I was very sad that I had expected a call from 3 people who still haven't called..lagta hau bhool gaye mujhe but theek hai who am I to expect anything.. I had gone to office on birthday and in office, balloons are put on your desk so that the whole office knows it is your birthday, which I feel is very people came and gave their wishes.. I had taken muffins for everybody and everyone loved them :) Then a cake was ordered! I have never cut a cake for my birthday..In school every time it was holidays and in college it was always exam time, so treat and all used to happen later but no cake! but this time proper cake was cut..I will put the pics.. and everyone came and Hitesh bhaisahab ne poore muh par cake laga diya.. so what gifts I got? Aastha gave me Cuckold, the book that I have been dying to read about the story of Meerabai's husband :) Jenny, Raj, Dipanjana and Hitesh gave me 5 movie CDs- Pyaasa, Sahib Biwi aur Ghulam, Sujata, Guide and Baaton Baaton Mein :) Jyotsana gave me Levi's wallet :) I was happy for all the gifts :) I still have to give a treat to all of them...

I still have to write a lot about my trip. Since it is an off today, I gave the day to my blog. it is almost 3 years since I started blogging... Will keep on writing more..Till then Ciaos!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tum paas ho ke bhi apne nahi...

I have been listening to this song and makes me very very sad..always want to cry when I hear this :( I love these lines especially..
Nigahon me dekho meri jo hai bas gaya, woh hai milta tumse hu bahu...
ooo..jane teri aankhen thi ya baatien thi vajah, hue tum jo dil ki aarzoo..
tum paas ho ke bhi..
tum aas ho ke bhi..
apne nahi...
aise hai humko gile
tumse na jane kyun..
milon ke hai fasle..
tumse na jane kyun...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Why is everything so different?

Somethings have changed..something has changed definitely.. You know, for the last 15-20 days or so, I feel everything is different around me..I am feeling as if something is going to happen.. I don't know whether it is going to be a good thing or a bad thing..but I can sense the aura..there is this feeling of void as if something is unfulfilled..I don't know what it is.. For the last 5 months or so, I had worked with only 2-3 people in office but in the last month, I had worked with a whole new people..So, a lot of people know me..and no! I am not bragging!! How could I?? So people come to my desk, talk to me about random stuff, chit is kind of surreal because I have never been comfortable in knowing so many people..In school, I wasn't a famous or a popular student...was more like (and still am!!) a nerdish kid :( In college, I had only 20 people in my class and some friends from school who I knew very well..So I wasn't very much a known face in college either..It is not as if I am the most popular person in Office, I still am the least known face because of my inherent nature to not open up to people easily, but a lot of people (according to my standards!!) now know me.. So it is kind of different to see that i could be known by people..moreover, I am a very boring person..I won't start talking unless the other person starts first..And that makes me kind of uncomfortable that people coming and talking to me.. perhaps, it is this that is making me very restless!! I found some old friends on Facebook who said they specially searched me.. It was kind of weird because I have never been remembered by people or worth remembering so when that friend says that she specially searched my name because I was her good fiend, it made me feel good and bad.. Good obviously and bad because it made me feel as if things are changing.. and I can sense things are no longer the same as Phoebe said that she can hear the voices in her head.. It is as if something is forcing me to grow up and I don't want to.. as if some force is pushing me to change my personality which I don't want to..Everything feels incomplete these days.. there is something missing perhaps happiness, contentment, satisfaction... I don't know what life has in store for me as I turn 23 this week about which I am even more sad (will write another post about it as well).. I miss the things they used to be..

Came back from trip last week.. was kind of OK!! More about in later.. Ciaos!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Of Lovers, Not Made For Each Other :(

I don't know what has happened to me but for the past few days there is this inexplicable feeling that you have cast over me. I am thinking about you all the time. When I don't get to see you, I just want to be with you. I keep on laughing and smiling on my own when I think about what you said or what you did. And when I am with you, I just want to keep looking at your face which helps me forget everything else that is taking place in my life. Your face has cast this spell over me. I want to see you, listen what you say, want to tease you, make you smile. I miss you like anything. I love it when you come over and say things to me which you don't tell others. It makes me feel special.

You are like someone who I always wanted to be like. Your ability to make people long for you is simply amazing. You are like my idol, in fact you are my idol. An idol is something Utopian. Yes, I can never be like you but in you, I see a perfectionist version of myself. Is there anything that you cannot do! Some people say that true love is finding your soul's counterpart in others. Perhaps that is why I see my soul in you? So, how do I say this? Am I falling in love with you or is it just plain liking for a friend? I consider those people lucky in life who get their true love!! Never ever, not even for a moment I thought that there could be something between you and me. We are not meant to be together. My love for you is platonic. I don't want to lose your friendship at any cost. But I can't help it. I know there is no chance for us but still you are so good that you made me fall in love with you. I want to get over you as quickly as possible but the irony is the more I try not to think about you, the more I suppress my feelings about you, the more I end falling in love with you all over again. It is as if you control me. Any song I hear, anything I do just reminds me of you. I cry every time when this thought comes to my mind that we are not made for each other. Sometimes I feel why did it have to be me. You will ask if I want to get over you, when was I under you? but the thing is I didn't realize when did this thing happen?

I sometimes feel you deliberately ignore me, and even the snob that I am I would not bow unless you talk to me first but it is fine by me who am I to say you anything, you have your own life, your own love, own dreams. I know that you treat me as a good friend and I am very happy about that. To just enter your good books is a sort of an achievement for me. But sometimes I do feel life has been very unfair. Life just doesn't turn out the way you want it to be.

Should I be sorry for what has happened? I never even want to tell you the way I feel about you. I just want to keep loving you in silence, I don't know who is to blame for this mess that has happened. I just wish you get everything I life and you get all the success in life for if you fail, it means my idealist soul fails. I don't know whether my love for you is like Catherine's for Heathcliff as she said that her love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods, time will change it but her love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath, a source of little visible delight but necessary. Nothing can change it. I just hope it is like hers but also I want to get over you as quickly as possible. I want to love you but I don't want to love you. See how paradoxical you have made me? You don't understand me and perhaps you never will but I don't expect anything from you at all. I don't know what the future holds for me but one thing is certain I will always always remember you. You are the one who made me feel and understand what love is, what it means to care for someone. Hope that years later when you hear my name, you at least remember me.

Miss you always. This is the best I could express my feelings for you, for never ever can I say to you or even want you to read this...

Yours (if I can use that)


P.S. Yamini, if you even copy even one line, I will kill youuuuuuuuu