Giving Yourself Grace

A year ends. A new one begins. It is the circle of time. Nothing really changes, but the last few days of the year give us some time to reflect on the year that went by and look at the upcoming new year with some hope. I remember Aisha's words in Wake Up Sid (said in a different context, but I take the liberty to use them here), "Apni manzil ke peeche daudte hue hamari nazar kai baaton se hat jaati hai, isliye kuch der ke liye hi sahi, apni busy zindagi se kuch samay ke liye hi apni nazar hataiye." Take a pause before starting again. I typically do this on my birthday post, but I want to write a yearly review for myself, like the Spotify Wrapped series. I got the idea of the content to put in the yearly review from a newsletter, so I write with honesty about how my last year went.

My whole life only revolves around work. I don't have anything else going on. Early in the year, I got an opportunity to lead a team of five people directly, which was a big moment for me. I have managed people indirectly before, but this was a lot of responsibility and work. You have to protect the team while not micromanaging. It taught me many things. But recently, I decided to try something else. I have a new role at work, and I like it. Yesterday only, my manager sent me a gift card for a project I did in the last quarter. Work has been challenging because of the fear of layoffs since last year. You have to constantly prove that you bring value. It is a harsh reality of the times we live in.

R gave me this. 

I got a tiny little place that I could call my own. It is not grand. It is not luxurious. But it works for me. It is near my work. It is initially difficult to adjust to the fact that things will break, so I have to mentally prepare for some unplanned expenses. Then, I also learned how innovative and ridiculous these amortization schedules are for payment of principal and interest. Everyone wants to make money.

My bookshelf

I focused on my health again this year. I have not missed one workout this year. I have also kept an average step count of 8,000 steps daily. I was slightly gaining, trying to add back some of the weight. I have never looked great in my life, so I have this thing that I want to look good. I understand all the food-related things. I understand all the different exercises. My Instagram Explore feed shows only three things: i) maths and grammar quizzes, ii) New Yorker cartoons, and iii) reels related to bodybuilding. I get so jealous of those with great bodies. The human body is a miracle in itself. I get why Michelangelo sculpted the statue of David. I don't have the perfect 'form' in the gym, but I do strength training without injuring myself. So, I was at the gym one day, and there is a trainer who comes there to train people. He came to me and told me I see you almost every day. You are dedicated, and it seems this is really important to you, but you are doing this exercise incorrectly. I can help you if you want. I was initially embarrassed, but he came from a place of good intentions. I then had 1-2 sessions with him, and he helped me out, which made me realize in-person training can actually be beneficial. I cannot afford daily sessions with him as they are expensive. Even though I now do things relatively in better form, I feel that I have plateaued a bit. Building muscle is really hard. You can pay for many things in the world, but you cannot pay for a great body. I wish I started this earlier. It boosts one's confidence. I don't feel stressed by things that used to bother me a few years ago. For next year, I am also trying to learn how to do a headstand.

3 million steps in 2023

My Instagram Explore

I did not get to travel anywhere this year. I had to cancel some tickets from last year, and the airline gave me some credit that can be used till the end of this year. Unfortunately, all of it is going to waste as I did not feel like going anywhere. Honestly, I don't enjoy the process of travel. I wish I could just be transported instantly like it used to happen in Harry Potter. I don't like flying at all. It is also why I have not visited India in over three years. I also don't like going anywhere on weekends these days. I waste more time on weekends, and my mind goes in all sorts of random directions. I prefer weekdays as I have a set routine. It is why I like going to work. I don't like working from home.

I suffered a significant loss of money in a financial scam. It was all because of my stupidity. I should have checked. When it happened, I could not stop thinking about it for so long. I could not tell anyone. I have not told anyone even till now. It is an atrocious feeling that someone steals your money. We find ways to cope. I got over the feeling by convincing myself that I just donated it.

I have not written as much as I wanted to. While there have been many good films this year, I could not find enough substance and themes to write detailed posts on them. And I did not really like the big ones. Like Jawan or Tu Jhoothi Main Makkaar. And, the thing is, some days, I really feel it is not worth it. Fifty views on a post is hilarious. But then, the only messages I get from people are about the writing. I met a blog reader, S, who came to meet me when they were visiting Seattle. They messaged that they had been reading the blog for years. They brought a gift and gave me this card. I felt special. I got a message from someone on Instagram about the podcast. I got a message from one of the best writers in India that she wants to read my book and asked if it would be possible for me to send it to her. I then shipped it to her. It is these things that make me feel like maybe my words have some impact, even if it is little. 

Card from S

Message from A

Message from S

I have an Instagram account with 14.8K followers. I wanted to grow it this year to a lot more. However, for the last five months, it has been stuck at this number. The algorithm only promotes accounts that post reels, which I feel have a minimal shelf life. I still believe in the power of the written word, as it can survive for ages. I guess I will continue to write here, but I want to diversify my writing. I am going to try to write the kinds of posts that I used to write from 2010 to 2014 about interesting things seen in day to day life. Because I feel like I am forgetting things, as they said in The Lunchbox, "We forget things if we have no one to tell them to."

I have also started a freelancing job. It pays decently on an hourly basis. It is related to teaching. I am also trying to see if I can 'sell' my book. There were some issues due to which I could not do it earlier. But the publishing cost is far more than the retail price, where people are unwilling to pay Rs. 99. Everything teaches you a lot about business. I might decide to only go ahead if it is viable.

I further drifted apart from my friends. When you reach a particular stage in life, people get busy with their lives. I used to feel terrible that they were ignoring me. I don't feel as bad now. Life is hard for everyone. That is why, these days, I remain focused on myself. On Twitter, I also retweet funny tweets. As my mother says, "Sabse acchhe se bolo and enjoy karo."

In 2022, I was often in the mode of comparing myself with others. I was becoming too focused on what I didn't have instead of what I had. It is not good for your health. So, this year, I have practiced thankfulness and gratitude for everything you have. I have a colleague at work who gave me this beautiful advice. Don't beat yourself up for everything. Give yourself grace for what you have achieved. That is one of the most beautiful phrases that someone has told me. I will try to follow this, and I hope that others follow it as well. Giving yourself grace.

Wishing everyone a happy new year!