34th Birthday

It is my thirty-fourth birthday today. As it is customary, I have written a post on this day since 2009. Life has been an absolute roller-coaster ride, many times nightmarish, for the last seven months. I moved continents again in the middle of the pandemic due to some circumstances. Figuring out all of it was nothing less than a herculean task. There was that niggling feeling of whether am I doing the right thing, and will things work out or not. More issues at work cropped up making me again doubt if this is how life is going to be. And, then, this Covid struck in the last few weeks managing to affect the entire family. I don't know how it is going to be but it really feels like the way The New York Times described it—languishing. "It wasn’t burnout—we still had energy. It wasn't depression—we didn’t feel hopeless. We just felt somewhat joyless and aimless. It turns out there’s a name for that: languishing."

There was the trend recently where people agreed to share tips and knowledge about different career paths with those who donated something for Covid relief. It made me think about charity. There is an old saying that while doing charity, one should not let their right hand know what their left hand is doing. It effectively means that one should keep privacy while doing charitable acts. This feels a little outdated in these times. I feel one should publicly share their charitable acts as it can spur other people to join the cause as well. Many charitable organizations send a message to share the campaign on various social platforms as they have seen in their data that it increases the likelihood of other people donating. It is all right to share that one donated for a cause, but maybe bragging too much about it can be avoided. This reminded me of an episode on Friends where Joey and Phoebe argue about charity. Joey believes that charity is inherently selfish by design. Phoebe might have given up her babies to her brother but she felt good about it. He tells her, "It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there are no unselfish good deeds, sorry." Phoebe vehemently disagrees and tries to find charitable acts that do not make her feel good. She finally calls him to inform him about a selfless good deed where she went to a park and let a bee sting her. Joey is again able to prove his argument to her by saying, "Now, you know the bee probably died after he stung you. The charity has a selfish component to it."

It is probably one of the few times where Joey was shown to be a smart thinker while it is usually Phoebe who is a brilliant and whimsical thinker. I keep remembering her views on different subjects. There is this episode where she argues with Ross whether evolution exists or not. She does not believe in evolution while Ross tries every trick to convince her that it does, after all, his entire professional life is based on studying it. Although she is pulling Ross's leg, the argument she makes is convincing that it can be used in any debate. She says, "What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope. Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?" This is what I have learned in life. One can never be sure of anything. Having an open mind just opens the world to many possibilities. Things evolve. We all grow up. This, of course, does not work on Twitter, which survives primarily on strawman arguments and ad hominem attacks. I, anyway, don't argue on Twitter, because a) I don't know how to do it b) I find it a waste of time.

Talking about Twitter, it really feels like doomsday scrolling for the last few weeks. There is sheer helplessness and desperation in a tweet followed by a funny joke in another tweet. It was simply horrendous. I avoided all social media as I could not take it. It has got a little better but then I saw this tweet thread, and it broke me a little. There is too much heartbreak in this. I was reading it while having lunch and could not hold my tears. At the back of my mind, I kept thinking about this moment that will come at some point in our life as well. We are not getting any younger. As they said in Before Midnight, "Like sunlight, sunset, we appear, we disappear. We are so important to some, but we are just passing through." We are passing through even faster. Then, there is also the survivor's guilt. 

He sang Tera Mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Nata Koi. I just stood there holding the phone, looking at him looking at his mother and singing. The nurses came over and stood in silence. He broke down in the middle but finished the verse. He asked her vitals, thanked me and hung up.

— Doctor (@DipshikhaGhosh) May 12, 2021

This also spurred me to do something. I keep thinking if I die tomorrow, will people remember me? And, then how will they remember me? I want to leave some legacy. I feel writing is the only thing I have, however, average I might be at it. And, that is why I am working on something and will be focusing solely on it for the next few months. I hope I am able to do it and will get to a stage where I am comfortable sharing it. Even if it fails, I want to give it a shot. I will be here as always but will post more on @readingfilms (Instagram), @sachdeva_pankaj (Twitter), or @pankaj_sachdeva (Instagram). Do not forget me. :) 

Dialogue of the Day:

"I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt."

—Céline, Before Sunrise