Saiyaara—Of Memories and Moments

Cinema has told us many a story of celestial bodies in the sky. The moon often symbolizes beauty, the stars success, and the shooting star—tootata tara—hope. Mohit Suri’s Saiyaara draws on this cosmic imagery, telling the story of saiyaara, a star that is constantly in motion yet never loses its light. Khud to akela hai, lekin apni chamak se sabki zindagiyaan roshan karta hai. Here, the star is both literal and metaphorical: Krish (Ahaan Panday), a musician yearning for fame, and Vaani (Aneet Padda), a writer seeking her voice, become each other's saiyaara—their guiding star. But beneath its love story, Saiyaara is a meditation on time, memory, and the fleeting beauty of the moment.

Vaani first notices Krish while staring at an ad for the dating app Soulmates, launched by her ex-fiancé Mahesh (Shaan Grover). Find your forever, the tagline reads. Just then, Krish speeds past on his bike, blocking her view of the ad, a fleeting moment that hints at the role he will come to play in her life, the soulmate she never expected. Moments later, their paths cross again at the office of an entertainment company, where Vaani has come for an interview. Krish is there too, furious over an article that fails to credit him for his band’s success. On his way out, he pauses to tell Vaani, having glimpsed her poetry, "Achha likhti ho tum." She, dressed in white, and he, in black, embody the contrast between them: the quiet, introspective writer and the fiery, impulsive musician. Neither knows yet how much they will shape each other’s lives. He will help her heal, reigniting her passion for writing, "Shabd behne lage, dard bhi beh gaya," she tells him. She, in turn, will help him chase his dream of stardom, giving words to his music, becoming his voice—his vaani.

At its core, Saiyaara is a film about moments and how profoundly they shape us. The moments we live through become memories that define our past, guide our present, and echo into our future. Throughout the film, the word moment—or pal, as it's called in Hindi—returns again and again. Early on, we see Vaani struggling to write a song in the stifling air of a recording studio. Songs can be recorded there, but they are never born there. When we hear our favorite songs, we don't just listen to melodies; we time-travel to the moments they carry within them. In a stunning monologue, Vaani explains to Krish, "Woh moment, woh pal yaad aata hai, khushi ka, dosti ka, dard ka, ya phir koi, pyaar. Hit gaane aate hain, chale jate hain. Do chaar mahine unko sunoge, tum bhool jaoge. Lekin woh gaane, jo dil ko chhoote hain, jo dil ke paas rehte hain, woh aise nahi banaye jaate, woh thore kam hi bante hai, aisa kyun hota hai, socha hai kabhi. Unke peeche ek moment hota hai, ek special moment hota hai, us moment me jo feel hota hai, uske shabd bante hain, phir woh jo shabd hote hain woh safed pannon par utarte hai, phir music banta hai. Woh music humein time travel karvata hai. Bachpan ke paas, pehle pyaar ke paas, barsaat ke paas. Yeh jo hamari memories hoti hai na, yeh hamari dil ke kisi kone me rehti hai, dil ke andar hi rehti hain. Aur woh gaana hota hai, woh humein in memories ke beech me laake khada kar deta hai, unko vaapas leke aata hai, kyunki dimaag bhool jaata hai, dil nahi bhoolta hai naa." Like all of us, Krish is left speechless by her words. The mind forgets, but the heart remembers.

Krish then takes Vaani out to a wide, open field and tells her about his moment, the one etched in his memory forever. The India–Pakistan final. Virat Kohli hitting a six. The roar of the crowd. The dreamlike feeling of watching history being made. He shares with her the moments that shaped him, the dream moments where he imagined himself a star. And that memory, that passion, sparks something in Vaani. It inspires her to Humsafar write for him. Agar saath mere, tu hai humsafar. Later that evening, he drops her off at home just before her strict 8:30 p.m. deadline. Glancing at her watch, he says, "Abhi kuch pal baaki hai mere paas," before speeding off. Days later, when they finally finish writing the song together, he repeats the same gesture, looking at her watch once more. "Abhi kuch pal baaki hai mere paas. Aakhri pal. Ab yeh pal bhi guzar gaya."

It is not then surprising that the biggest twist of the film is also related to moments and memories. Vaani is diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. What first seemed like harmless forgetfulness reveals itself as something far more devastating. She will soon begin to lose not just her memories but the very moments that made her who she is. "Woh pal jo humne saath bitaaye the, woh pal jinhone mujhe jeena sikhaya, koi memory mere saath nahi rehne waali," she says. "Mujhe bas aaj dikh raha hai, yeh pal, aur is pal me tum mere saath ho. I love you right now," replies Krish. If she forgets, he says, they will simply create new memories. Because what matters is not the past or the future, but the moment they are living in now. And so, they go to Goa singing, "Tum ho toh iss lamhe mein sadaa hai." With you, this moment is eternity.

The day of Krish’s big concert finally arrives. Just before stepping on stage, he admits to Vaani that he has waited his whole life for this moment, but now, he feels afraid. She reassures him softly, he has nothing to fear, because she loves him. She will be there, watching, rooting for him, as it is also her moment of success. But even as his dream nears fulfillment, Vaani's world begins to unravel. Her mind starts slipping, her moments with Krish blur with memories of Mahesh, past and present colliding like overlapping orbs in Inside Out. She realizes she's hurting the very people who love her. So she decides to leave. Before disappearing, she turns to Krish and says, "Abhi bhi kuch pal baaki hai mere paas, aur is pal mein, aaj, kal, forever and ever and ever, I love you, Mahesh." The words Krish once said to her now return like an echo, but heartbreakingly, she calls him by the wrong name. And, she leaves behind is a song, Saiyaara. "Hoton pe lamha lamha, hai naam tera, hai, tujhko hee gaaun main, tujhko pukaaron." Every moment on my lips carries your name. I sing for you. I call out to you.

Krish searches for her everywhere, but she seems to have vanished. So he turns to the only thing that still connects them—the song Saiyaara. He sings it across concerts, hoping its echoes will somehow reach her, awaken her memories, bring her back to him. Ironically, in the process of trying to find her, Krish becomes the star he always dreamed of being. Fame arrives, but it feels hollow without her. And then, one day, he finds her, away in Manali, at the same hostel where Aditya once found Geet in Jab We Met. Waiting for him is a letter. In it, she explains why she left, "Mujhe bahut kuch yaad nahi rehta ab, Krish, par jab koi tumhara gaana sunata hai, main us pal mein wapas chali jaati hoon. Woh pal jo humne saath bitaaye the, woh mere andar abhi bhi hain. Dimaag bhool jaaye, par dil nahi bhoolta. Yeh pal hamesha mere saath rahenge, forever and ever and ever."

And finally, Krish finds Vaani. She is sitting alone, struggling to write a song, just as she had been when they first met. Only this time, she doesn’t recognize him. Life has come full circle. Krish gently repeats the very words Vaani once told him, that songs are born from the moments that shape our lives. Then, to stir her memory, he recreates the Virat Kohli moment from long ago, the one that had first inspired her to write for him. And slowly, she remembers, and they get back together to make more memories.

This moment reminded me of Sadma.

It is also worth mentioning Krish's father, Ashok (Varun Badola), whose fraught relationship with his son adds a poignant layer to the story. After losing his wife, Ashok turned to alcohol, slowly unraveling his own life while clinging to memories of the past. The photograph of his late wife remains his most treasured possession, far more valuable to him than any wealth he might have. Because it reminds him of the moments he spent with his wife. Later, as Krish grapples with Vaani’s illness, Ashok urges him not to repeat his own mistakes, not to destroy his life as he did, not to remain stuck in the past like he did. It becomes a quiet coming-of-age moment for father and son, as they recognize the symmetry in their journeys. Around them, others reflect on the past and present, too. In a tender scene, Vaani’s mother Geeta (Geeta Agrawal) advises her daughter not to dwell on the past events, telling her to save her tears not for someone who left but for the fiery heat of spicy parathas.

Saiyaara is produced by Yashraj Films, but it feels like an out-and-out Mohit Suri film. He is one of the filmmakers who is still making love stories. His entire filmography is focused on love stories. Some have worked; some have not. But I have a special place in my heart for Awarapan, Aasiqhui 2, and Humari Adhuri Kahani. In Suri’s world, love doesn't just bring people together; it heals, redeems, and transforms them. In Awarapan, for instance, Shivam (Emraan Hashmi) begins as an atheist, telling Aliyah (Shriya Saran) that she is his only bhagwaan. Her love changes him so profoundly that he begins to believe in God, in grace, in something beyond himself. Saiyaara carries a similar spiritual layer. When Vaani is finally found, her image fills an enormous Jumbotron screen. Krish rushes toward it and drops to his knees, as though in prayer. It is a moment of pure devotion, as if, to him, Vaani has become divine.

Awarapan

In Saiyaara, too, love does not destroy; instead, it becomes a force of transformation for both protagonists. Krish's arrival helps Vaani finally move beyond her past; she begins writing again. Early in the film, her diary carries a photograph with Mahesh; by the end, it holds one of her and Krish, a quiet symbol of healing and new beginnings. But the change runs both ways. Vaani softens Krish's restlessness, grounds him, and gives voice to his music, showing him that true success lies not only in ambition but in connection, with his band, with his father, with life itself. He, in turn, stands by her through her illness, even at the cost of his own career. At one point, Krish confides in a friend that Vaani has given him everything he needs; he no longer yearns for any other triumph. The film mirrors this emotional arc through subtle details. The photograph on Krish's phone, once just his own, gradually replaced by one of him with Vaani; the way they begin to echo each other's words; the way their lives slowly, inevitably, intertwine.

Suri’s other familiar tropes make their way into this film as well. Like many of his earlier works, there is the loyal, sympathetic friend—here, it is KV (Alam Khan), ever ready to do anything for Krish. Surprisingly, though, none of the songs (another Suri trademark) stayed with me except for the utterly charming title track. Much like Aashiqui 2, where Shreya Ghoshal's female version of Sun Raha Hai Na Tu outshone the original, it is once again Shreya's rendition of the title song that lingers long. I have been playing it on repeat. The way she sings, "Haaye main mar hi jaaun, jo tujhko na paun," carries a profound ache, followed by "Tujhko hee gaaun main, tujhko pukaaroon" and then she slips into that long, magical "oooon." The song also subtly weaves in a theme of them being equals; she declares that half of her life is in him, and half of him is in her. She also uses 'tootna' and then describes themselves as 'sapna' and 'vaada'. These two words are connected to 'tootna.' Dreams break. Promises break. And finally, there’s the quiet acceptance that sometimes, it isn't we who have changed, it's the mausam, the circumstances that no longer favor us. 

Tu honsla hai, tu hai iraada, aadhi main tujhme, mujh me tu aadha.

Tootoon na main bhi, toote na tu bhi, main tera sapna, tu mera vaada. 

Haaye, main mar hee jaaun, jo tujhko na paaun, baaton mein teri main raatein bitaun.

Hothon pe lamha-lamha hai naam tera, haaye, tujhko hee gaaun main, tujhko pukaarun.

Saiyaara to toh badla nahi, mausam zara sa rooth hua hai. 

Another element that really stood out to me was the film's recurring use of animation. There are countless scenes where animated visuals dominate the background. When Vaani visits the Buzzlist office, strange animations flicker outside. When Krish performs at the bar, animated patterns fill the screens around him. The night Vaani and Krish spend together in his room, the walls behind are filled with moving images. Later, after her diagnosis, red-toned animations pulse in the background as she sits in his room. Even when they move to Goa, the villa walls carry these shifting visuals. It feels deliberate, as if the animations are tied to memories, though the film never fully spells it out.

The film has also beautifully choreographed the tears. Toward the end, when Krish reads Vaani's letter, we see Vaani herself shedding a single tear. In the next moment, Krish sheds the same kind of tear, creating a quietly mirrored emotional beat. The sequence is poignantly shot. Even in the title song Saiyaara, when Vaani leaves for Krish, her teardrop smudges the page she has written on. I only wish the film had more moments as emotionally rich and tender as these.

Ahaan Panday and Aneet Padda make a stellar debut, proving they can both act. Ahaan has the look of a young Sanjay Dutt blended with Anshuman Jha, and a voice reminiscent of Ranbir Kapoor. His small gestures, like tying his sweater to Vaani on his bike, are so charming that I am sure they will start a new trend. And then there’s Aneet Padda, what a delightful screen presence. Her performance radiates a childlike innocence, lighting up the screen. The supporting cast is generally likable, though a few notes felt jarring. Vaani's mother's repeated 'Puttar' and 'Chheti' felt overdone, and Prince’s character was an obvious spoof on Baadshah.

The film that kept coming to mind while watching Saiyaara was Peter Segal’s 50 First Dates. In that Adam Sandler-starrer, Henry falls for Lucy, who suffers from short-term memory loss and cannot remember anything from the previous day, forcing Henry to woo her anew every morning. I half-expected Saiyaara to venture into similar territory, with Krish having to make Vaani fall in love with him every single day. But it doesn't because Vaani's Saiyaara finds another way. The film opens with a wedding—Vaani left at the altar by her fiancé—and closes with another, this time with Vaani and Krish finally tying the knot. Beyond the ceremony, Krish creates a collage of their shared moments, a tapestry of their life together. Even if her mind falters, these reminders ensure her heart always finds its way back to him. Because, as she said, dimaag bhool jaata hai, dil nahi bhoolta hai. 

Other Reading:

1. On Awarapan—Link

2. On Aashiqui 2—Link

Dialogue of the Day:

"Dimaag bhool jata hai, lekin dil nahi bhoolta hai."

—Vaani, Saiyaara

Of Himesh and History

It has been two days and I have not spoken a word. That is what happens when you live by yourself. After Friday afternoon, I said a word on Sunday night when my mother called me. It's amusing that, although I may not be speaking, I am constantly having conversations with the voice in my head.

My Instagram feed is filled with videos of Himesh Reshammiya's concert in Delhi. My former high school classmate, who works in the media, actually emceed the event. Himesh Reshammiya is a legend. The music is nostalgia. I recall that he became a sensation in 2005, when I started college, and during ragging, the seniors made us sing and enact songs from Aashiq Banaya Aapne. I love all his popular peppy songs, but there is immense sadness in his songs. Afsana Bana Ke Bhool Na Jaana. Teri Meri. Main Jahaan Rahoon. "Kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai, par chhup ke is dil mein tanhaai palti hai, bas yaad saath hai, teri yaad saath hai." He deserves a whole thesis. I have never attended a concert in my life, but if I could, it would be of Himesh Reshammiya. His music is best suited for communal singing. 

       

I spent the weekend reading and watching videos on the breakup of Yugoslavia. Earlier this year, I read a lot about the disintegration of the Soviet Union. History is simply fascinating. We can see how the events of today are connected to those in the past. Russia's attack on Ukraine today has its roots in the disintegration of the Soviet Union in the 1990s. The Israel-Palestine war goes back centuries to an old conflict. Even the inauguration of the Ram Temple by Narendra Modi dates back to his life, when riots occurred in 2002 after a train carrying karsevaks from Ayodhya was set on fire, and further back to the Ram Janmabhoomi movement of the 1990s, when he organized the chariot of LK Advani. 

I read a few books this year on the history of the Ram temple movement from both sides. I love history. Meenakshi Jain, who has recently been appointed a member of the Rajya Sabha, has provided archaeological evidence in her book, The Battle for Rama, that the temple existed. But the way the mosque was brought down is one of the most shameful days in the history of India. Former Prime Minister Chandrashekhar had found a peaceful solution to the dispute, which all fighting parties agreed upon. But the Congress party did not want him to claim credit for resolving the issue. So they did not support him. All this could have been avoided had politicians relinquished the greed of claiming credit. The legal case in itself is mind-bending. Under Indian law, a deity in a temple is an individual entity, and like a firm or a trust, can contest its own case. The deity in this case is Ram Lalla, and as per law, is considered a perpetual minor and needs a ‘next friend’ to represent it in court. The case is based on the doctrine of adverse possession, which comes into play when a person, who does not have the title to the property but can become its owner due to their possession, because the original owner did not evict them for 12 years. The counsel for Ram Lalla attempted to prove that the rights of idols over a property are protected forever, as they are considered perpetual minors. As such, Ram Lalla owns the land. That is why lawyers make money; they are skilled at these things. To discuss these topics, I have started another Instagram account where I will post things I find interesting. 

Last weekend, I played golf for the first time. Two of my office colleagues asked me to accompany them. I have no idea how to play, but that is how you learn. It is tiring, though, as one has to carry their clubs from one hole to the next. It was not expensive at all. Just $9 for 18 holes.

I also watched Aap Jaisa Koi. The film has stunning cinematography. Every frame is beautifully shot. I love it when filmmakers spend thought and effort in making films. The first hour is wonderfully charming, but the second half is less engaging. I am considering writing in detail about three films that have recently featured stunning cinematography—Aap Jaisa Koi, Bhakshak, and The Mehta Boys.

I don't receive many messages on WhatsApp either, but this weekend, I heard from one of my very early managers at my workplace. When he joined, he was new to the company. I helped him ramp up, even though he was my manager, as I had been on the team for a longer time. He is no longer at my workplace and has been living in India for ten years. Even though he was my manager ten years ago, he keeps messaging me once in a while. So, I felt nice that someone made an effort to stay in touch. I thanked him for it, and I was so surprised that he replied this message to me. :)

Perhaps, that is why they say, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Talking About Life - To Be Young Again!

I received many lovely comments on my earlier post, which made me feel both sad and happy simultaneously. Thank you to all of you who read and reached out to me. I feel so grateful and humbled that someone would take the time out of their lives to reply to me. I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to write these comments. I read many newsletters and blogs, but I rarely comment on anyone's posts. So, thank you again. I want to write more, not just about movies, but about random events from life, because, as they said in The Lunchbox, "We forget things if we have no one to tell them to." I used to write those posts in the early 2010s about the daily happenings in my life. I plan to write this type of post more often.

This is the summertime in Seattle, and many interns join during this time. So, last week, I ran into an intern. I was entering my office, and he entered right behind me. It was a Sunday. He looked at me and said he was surprised to see someone in the office on Sunday. So, he asks me, "What are you doing here?" I was like, "What are you doing here?" He said that he did not work last week, so he wants to finish his work because he has a design review. And then he introduced himself and started talking. He thought that I was an intern as well. I was like, brother, I was an intern when you were probably born. He is in his early 20s. And then, he spoke about his project, his university, his apartment, and all the cool (and some unprintable) things he is doing. And then he said he likes Seattle, but people don't talk here (finally, someone who agrees with me). I was listening to him with fascination. He has this zest and enthusiasm. Every day, he posts a thoughtful status on Slack that holds meaning for him. I told him I wish I were young again and could live life the way he is living. He has now become my friend, and I took him out to the lake one day, and then we went for dinner. Oh, to be young again! These days, there are numerous exciting opportunities available to young people. The young people today are incredibly sharp. I miss growing up in this time. It also reminds me of the time I met my cousin's kids in California last year. Her younger one is sixteen and is quite popular in school. He already knows how to drive and his eyes light up when he sees a fancy car on the road. He wears the best perfumes. He plays volleyball for the state. He coaches young kids in tennis lessons. He told me he has a girlfriend, but he pleaded not to tell his mom. But I told him I will tell his mom. He got so scared. Haha. But my cousin knows already. It is not a big deal. Moms know everything. When I was sixteen, I was such a shy, stupid kid, learning about electrophilic aromatic substitution of benzene. You see, I still follow all the content creators and teachers on Instagram who teach integration. Two months ago, I downloaded all the NCERT books and was reading them. I wish I could be young again and live life differently.

I read this tweet, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. It reminds me of what I was trying to say in my last post. Some people are so articulate with words. It is a beautiful and sad tweet.

I also watched Bhakshak, which is a very well-made film. I was avoiding watching it because of the grim subject matter. But after I watched it, I was surprised. I will try to write a paragraph or two on it and The Mehta Boys. Hopefully soon.

Also, birthday greetings to the Dalai Lama—one of the most graceful human beings on earth. They don't make people like him anymore. Sharing this excerpt from the Open magazine.

Dialogue of the Day:

"There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?"

— Dalai Lama XIV

Birthday Post—2025

It is my annual birthday post, which I have written for the last twenty years. This is birthday number thirty-eight. I have not written anything substantial this year. I don't feel like writing because films are nothing to write about. I started a few draft posts on Jigra, The Mehta Boys, and Superboys of Malegaon, which I never finished. Secondly, I don't feel like writing anything because I have been occupied with many other things. Work, personal, etc. I have mentioned it before, but things have been working out for me. It has been six months, and it is just what it is. The last twelve months have been some of the worst of my life. In a moment of vulnerability, I told my friend T (the only friend who now talks to me these days) that I have never been as miserable as I have been in the last twelve months. I had also been working on something for the previous few months, and it did not work out either. It has been frustrating and helpless, but I don't tell anyone these things because they are my problems. A few kind people sometimes reach out to me when they occasionally read some earlier post, but what do I tell them?

Routine has been my only companion for the last year. I go to work and come back home. I go to the gym and come home. I cook the same thing daily. I drink the same thing daily. I get one free drink from the café at work and order one iced tea daily. The baristas know I will get that, and they don't even bother asking. They smile and say, "You want the iced tea, right?" I watch Jeopardy while completing my steps. This routine keeps me going.  

Work has been okay. Work has not been okay. Two people in my team left in the last few months, and there is no one to do that work, so I am effectively doing a three-person job. It is a thankless job because you know how it is these days. We are all dispensable. Every day, I tell myself I will finish all my pending tasks, but new ones keep coming. That is the new standard these days. What else to do? Ek toh I am not smart also kuch apna kar sakun.  

I have been going to work even on weekends. My manager asked me why I am coming on weekends. I feel lonely and isolated at home. So, I have made it a point to get out of it daily to be active. Otherwise, I go into a spiral of negative thoughts. That is why I go to the office. There is also a quietness in the office that I like. I go to any random seat on the topmost floor of my building. I can see the entire city from there. And, if I have to do office work, I get it done there faster.

I read this book by a former colleague, who mentions her career and how she remained stuck. I felt she was telling my story. The same things happened to me, and I had similar experiences. You know that line, "Apna time aayega." Mera toh time chala bhi gaya. I was such a smart kid in school, but, like in other things, life has also not worked out for me here. Even at the gym, I have plateaued. I have been going for five days, and now my trainer says to do six days. It takes years to build that body.

However, one thing that I did was get my driver's license, and I will finally get a car soon. I know it is shocking that I did not know how to drive until now. Ladkon ko toh vaise hi aa jaati hai, but being the loser I am, I did not know. I never learned it, nor did I want to learn it earlier, but this year, I had to because I wanted to leave my home. I want to travel by myself. So, I finally joined a driving school last year, and after four months, I got my license this year.

And to keep busy, I have been reading many books these days. I have read about fifteen books this year. I used to buy physical books, but have only read digital books this year. I read them faster on my phone. Every day, when commuting or covering my steps on the treadmill, I can read many more pages on my phone. I have always loved contemporary political history and have read many books in this genre. One thing we realize when we read history is that everything in the present has had some connection to the past. These things have always happened, so the present is not unique except for a black swan event (such as Covid, perhaps). It is a continuation of the past. 

I also want to start this meetup group. I will make new friends because my friends don't bother talking to me anymore. Koi baat nahi karta ab. Sab busy ho jaate hain. Or they only ping when they want something. My colleagues are not in Seattle, so it is like always talking to virtual people. Only my mother talks to me and cares about me, but I don't feel like talking to her because she remains worried about me.

And this year, the cold has affected me quite severely. Seattle winters are dark and wet. It may not rain much, but it is always overcast and cold. I used to be okay with it; however, this time, it has made me feel depressed. I miss the sun. Seattle is not the place for me. Besides, people don't talk much here. I don't feel safe. Crime has increased, and I see armed guards standing watch whenever I go to the grocery store. Half of the things are locked. But then, when it comes to which place to go, I cannot decide.

My friend told me today that I hope it works out for you this year. I got a bit emotional. Bas aise hi chal raha hai. Sab aage badhte jaa rahe hain, main peeche jaata ja raha hun. Happy birthday to me.

The Calmness of Beauty—On Demi Moore's Speech

 Link: https://pankajsachdeva.substack.com/p/the-value-of-your-worth

The Calmness of Beauty

I started a new newsletter where I will write about beautiful things I find. I want to continue writing more, so I hope to keep up with it and not give it up after a few weeks. I have written my first post. Here is the link:

Newsletter: https://pankajsachdeva.substack.com/

First Post: https://pankajsachdeva.substack.com/p/the-calmness-of-beauty

Happy New Year

It is 2025. It is a new year. Even though not much changes in life, a new year provides an opportunity to reset and restart.

Like always, I have been thinking of everything I want to do. Start a new newsletter. Write more personal posts. Read more old books. Start a meetup club. Meet new people and learn about their life. Make friends. Practice Yoga more often. Publish my book on Kindle. Learn that language. Go to the doctor. Increase squat weights 2X. Get a six-pack (after waiting for years). Learn public speaking. Grow a beard. Buy that leather jacket. Get that fade haircut. Get a car. Practise gratitude. Learn to not take things seriously. Have the courage to live life on my terms. I plan to do some of these this year. Time is passing quickly. As Bunny once said in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, "Waqt kisi ke liye nahi rukta, beet ta waqt hai, lekin kharch hum hote hain." 

Happiness and sadness are transient. They will come and go based on the moment. But I wish for inner peace and contentment in 2025.

Back to the City

I returned from a short India trip last week. It was okay. I got a little bored at home. I have nothing much to do there. The thing is that all my cousins are married and have kids. I met them once, but it is quite formal with them now. They have made their own life. And, I have no friends left except one whom I met. I wanted to visit Bangalore to visit my other friend. But it did not work out. So I was at home, listening to my mother asking me to eat everything or listening to her talking about everything. It comes from a place of care. But after a while, I don't want to hear it. And you feel so bad and guilty for feeling like this. The relatives I met all ask the same, "Shaadi kab kar rahe ho?" It gets annoying. 

After I returned, I had no heating or hot water at home, as the water heater stopped working. It has been freezing. I had to buy a portable heater, but it was not enough. Finally, the gas company installed a new one after a week, and it is so expensive. Last month, I got locked out of my house. I came to throw the garbage, and the door got closed. It never happens, but something weird happened with the lock. I reached out to my neighbors, but they did not respond. I was standing in the cold and luckily had my phone with me. I did not know whom to call, so I called a locksmith. He came and said he would take $450 to open the door. My god. These experiences teach you a lot about life. Honestly, it has not been a good year for me. Somebody tried to physically attack me earlier. I also dealt with a scam that cost a lot of money. Other challenges and struggles. Things not working out for me in any sphere. Financial losses. Personal losses. Professional losses. It is not about being happy or sad. I don't feel at peace. People move forward. Main na bahut peeche jaata jata ja raha hun. I don't share real issues with anyone because these are my problems. Kya hi ho raha hai. 

I made some observations about how much things have changed in India. I have traveled after four years (more like six years, as in 2020, I was in a 15-day quarantine, so I did not travel out at all).

1. Quick Commerce is big. I saw people using Blinkit and Zepto to order everything in minutes. It works. I am curious to know how much profit these companies are making. 

2. In vitro fertilization (IVF) is huge. I had never seen so many clinics before, but I saw one on every road this time. I saw ads written behind auto-rickshaws. When things can be ordered in minutes, babies are not far behind. Who has the time to be patient and keep trying these days? 

3. Ram and Modi are visible a lot in Delhi. 

4. Kejriwal is also quite big in Delhi.

5. I saw a lot of premium pet products shops. 

6. I saw even more phone shops. 

7. I saw a lot of premium skin care and hair care saloons. 

8. Things are costly. Everything was so expensive. You have to pay Rs.80 to take an autorickshaw for 1.5 km. 

When I was on the flight to Delhi, I watched Oppenheimer. I also watched Luck By Chance again. I learn so much from re-watching this film. The film shows that the stars live in a nice big hotel. The crew lives in a small family lodge. We see the façade of the two hotel buildings. This issue has been raised by some film stars recently, but the film had the insight to show it way back. It is such a fabulous film. On the return flight, I watched Inside Out 2. I also watched parts of Dil Chahta Hai again. This time, I again observed something. I saw a very violent streak in Akash. Akash is angry after Sid slaps him for making fun of his relationship with Tara. He could have hit him back, but he controlled himself. The background score in the scene belies this violent tension. When Sameer visits him the next day, Akash is seething and angry. Later, when he meets a disheveled man at the train station in Sydney, it feels like Akash will hit him again. The background score in this scene is similar to the earlier scene with Sid. Further, when Rohit tries to insult him by reminding him of their first meeting, Akash replies that if anyone had done the same thing with Shalini as he did, he would have killed the person. Finally, in the end, when Rohit tries to hurt Shalini, Akash hits him back. Akash was funny, but simultaneously, he had a violent streak.

I keep thinking that I will write about this topic and that topic, but then I keep forgetting them. I have a list of topics in drafts, but something comes up, and I don't publish them. I am thinking of creating micro-blogs to write very brief posts. I might also create another account on Twitter, given that I can't be honest on my current account. People don't like vulnerable people. I used to write these long posts earlier but now struggle to write them honestly. I also asked Perplexity about my blog, and it is so accurate. 

With nothing working out for me, the only thing that keeps me going is my focus on health. I have worked out regularly for another year [started actively working out in 2021]. I bulked up earlier this year and am now in my cut phase. I was happy with the progress. I want to look good. I want to look elegant and dignified. Not sure if it will ever happen, but it gives me a purpose and keeps me motivated.

More later.

October Sky

It is October. I did not write anything last month but thought of writing something this month. There is not much to write, just the usual happy-sad updates. I have booked my trip to India for the next month. It is funny that I last traveled when the US presidential elections were happening, and now, the next elections are happening. I will travel after four years, but I don't feel excited. Mera bilkul mann nahi lagta vahaan ab but one has to do some things for parents. Not that mera yahaan mann lagta hai, but at least during the week, I have work that keeps me busy. I have started to not like weekends because I keep going into a spiral of negative thinking, which does not make me feel good.

There are some other things that I have been thinking about. I might have mentioned them here before as well. I feel my life is slipping away. I see all these creators talking about their art and doing something interesting with their lives. I also want to do some things but don't know what to do. I don't have any niche talent as such. I don't even write much these days. Even when I try to start, I cannot keep up because I am exhausted during the weekdays. And over the weekend, I have some other health-related things that I am trying to follow. I had started three new Instagram accounts and a new blog related to writing, but I deleted them as I had not posted anything on them for months. I keep wondering if this is what I am supposed to do all my life. My work is fine, but you know it is not life-changing. I also am not a very smart person to vocalize my opinions on Twitter or somewhere. I read a lot, but I don't have many original thoughts. I also try to remain non-controversial because people take offense to the most random things. 

There is this moment in Shuddh Desi Romance where Tara (Vaani Kapoor) says that when you fall out of love, you never forget that moment. I did not have a moment related to love, but something related to friendship. There is that moment when you decide it is not worth being friends with someone who doesn't respect you. After a long time, I tried to meet a friend, but they kept postponing. When they met, they came late and left in ten minutes, saying let's catch up in three to four months. It was also humiliating, even in the ten minutes we spoke. I decided I was not going to meet them ever again. I went to Boston to meet a friend, but I felt they also were trying to avoid meeting me. People change after they get married and have kids. I am not blaming them as they get busy. Since I am not married, I keep expecting the same thing. It is all my fault, so I will not expect anything from anyone. I don't call anyone a best friend. I have a few relatively close friends, but it is not like I speak to them about everything. The issue is mainly with me. Being an introverted loner, I don't know how to make friends. And work friends are not really friends, you know. It is all fake and artificial. Sometimes, I hate myself for overthinking. It is the same reason that is stopping me from being confident. My mother told me she had not seen me khul ke laughing in a long time. I was like, wait, yes. Even I have forgotten. Haha. I was like Naina from Kal Ho Naa Ho. I am not sad or depressed, but you know, I wish things worked out for me, and they are not working out. Because happiness comes internally and reflects on your face. We will see.

I have also been thinking about Laapataa Ladies. It is quite a lovely film. I wanted to write some parts about it but still need to finish, so I thought of writing something now. As the title says, it is about women who are literally lost. But these women are metaphorically lost as well. When Phool gets lost, she finds help from Chotu and Abdul. This reminded me of Rani in Queen, who goes on a solo trip to Paris and Amsterdam on her honeymoon. She meets a bunch of travelers—Oleksander, Taka, and Tim—in the hostel. Like Phool meets Manju Mai, Rani meets Vijay, who becomes her friend and guide from whom she learns the ways of life. Manju Mai is separated from her husband. She tells Phool to be independent. Vijay, too, was free to do whatever she wanted to do. Her independence inspires Rani. In the end, Phool finally takes the name of her husband and goes back to him. She finds herself. In Queen, too, there was the aspect of the name. Vijay shares the same name as Rani's fiancé. Rani does not need Vijay to be happy; Vijay na sahi, Vijaylakshmi to hai. That is why Queen is such a fantastic film, even now. Rani does not go back to Vijay.

I also watched Kalki 2898 AD and CTRL. They were fine. I did not find much to write about them. Early on, Bhairava (Prabhas) spoke about being selfish and thinking about your own side. I thought it was interesting because heroes don't talk much about being selfish in our films. But, as it turns out, he was one of the greatest warriors in his past life, known for his selflessness, Karn. It sets up his role for the next part, where he becomes selfless to save the people. In CTRL, we saw another character that seemed trapped and lonely, as seen in many other Vikramaditya Motwane's characters.

 

A few days ago, Han Kang became the first Korean and the first woman from any Asian country to be honored with the Nobel Prize in Literature. I was reminded of Past Lives when Nora said she was leaving Korea because "Koreans don't win the Nobel Prize in Literature." Twelve years later, she wanted to win the Pulitzer Prize. Then, another twelve years later, she wished for a Tony award. I wanted to win the Nobel as well. Haha. More seriously, though, life humbles us all, and we learn about our reality. Every child is special, but only a few adults become extraordinary. I used to think being average was not bad, but I now feel you must be the best in at least one thing, like being really, really good. Main to yahaan bhi peeche reh gaya. Haha.

Health-wise, I am now in the cut phase, where I have to lose about 10 kgs. I gained about 12 kgs in the last nine months, so I am reducing all the weight. It is a bit hard to survive on 1,500 calories after eating 2,500 calories, but it is fine. I have to do this to look the best. It gives me a purpose. I go to the gym five days and do 10,000 steps daily. It makes me tired, which is good because I can sleep faster and not waste my time in random browsing. I hope it works out for me.

It is also the Fall season, my favorite season when I go to the same places every year and click pictures of the same trees. Here are some pictures from today. I will post some more soon on my Instagram account.

I had more topics but will write about them in the next update.

Quote of the Day:

"Fall teaches us how beautiful it can be to let go."

Memories in August

Facebook has the Memories feature. Every day, it shows the posts one had written on Facebook on the same day in prior years. Today, Facebook showed me a picture I had posted from the Iowa City library in 2012. It is the DVD of Dilwale Dulhanie Le Jayenge. It took me back to the days when I came to the US in August 12 years ago. I still have the embarrassing first post I wrote on this blog when I came here. It was one of the most eventful days I have had. This blog used to be my diary. Time flies. So much has changed in these 12 years that I cannot even begin where to start. There are the physical changes. Studying in Iowa City, working in Seattle, living in Luxembourg City for a while, coming back to Seattle, moving houses. There are also the mental changes. I have become a different person. Sometimes, I don't like the person I have become, but maturity teaches us that we must do some things even if they are uncomfortable. I wish I was more confident and more masculine in life. I am working towards it. One day at a time.

Talking of memories, I was listening to Phir Dekhiye from Rock On!!. The film ends with this message. And, today, CDs are virtually non-existent. Time changes so much.

There has been no good Hindi film worth watching for the last three to four months. It's such a terrible time. I was looking at the films released in 2007 and 2012. What years were these? There were so many good films. I don't feel like writing about any film because there is not any worth writing about. I sometimes follow Reddit these days. I occasionally come across posts about film stars, which makes me dislike them a lot—I know Reddit is not to be trusted, but there is some truth somewhere. No one is a saint, and these people are humans, but the kind of adulation these stars receive and how they behave—one just starts disliking them. That is why I am not a fan of any of these people. I can never be a big 'fan.' I admire their work and wish to learn something from it. And I have always been able to separate the art from the artist. I have no moral compunctions in that sense. If a good film comes, I will watch it.

Because there are no good films, I find comfort in old films. I was watching parts of Rangeela again. My god. While I wish the film's production quality was better so it did not look dated, it is terrific and era-defining. The way it presents Urmila Matondkar in the songs is gorgeous. Somebody put in the effort to be different, and it worked beautifully. Simply amazing. And, the music. The best. The flute at the beginning of Tanha Tanha Yahan Pe Jeena makes me so joyful. I was also thinking that Ram Gopal Varma gave Urmila two contrasting heroine roles in his films. The commoner becomes a star in Rangeela. The star runs away to live as a commoner in Mast.

Ending the post with the beautiful words that Shah Rukh Khan said when Yash Chopra passed away. Can he please finish his book? Of all the SRK personas, the writer one is the best. Desperately seeking Shah Rukh–the writer.