Sunday, October 13, 2024

October Sky

It is October. I did not write anything last month but thought of writing something this month. There is not much to write, just the usual happy-sad updates. I have booked my trip to India for the next month. It is funny that I last traveled when the US presidential elections were happening, and now, the next elections are happening. I will travel after four years, but I don't feel excited. Mera bilkul mann nahi lagta vahaan ab but one has to do some things for parents. Not that mera yahaan mann lagta hai, but at least during the week, I have work that keeps me busy. I have started to not like weekends because I keep going into a spiral of negative thinking, which does not make me feel good.

There are some other things that I have been thinking about. I might have mentioned them here before as well. I feel my life is slipping away. I see all these creators talking about their art and doing something interesting with their lives. I also want to do some things but don't know what to do. I don't have any niche talent as such. I don't even write much these days. Even when I try to start, I cannot keep up because I am exhausted during the weekdays. And over the weekend, I have some other health-related things that I am trying to follow. I had started three new Instagram accounts and a new blog related to writing, but I deleted them as I had not posted anything on them for months. I keep wondering if this is what I am supposed to do all my life. My work is fine, but you know it is not life-changing. I also am not a very smart person to vocalize my opinions on Twitter or somewhere. I read a lot, but I don't have many original thoughts. I also try to remain non-controversial because people take offense to the most random things. 

There is this moment in Shuddh Desi Romance where Tara (Vaani Kapoor) says that when you fall out of love, you never forget that moment. I did not have a moment related to love, but something related to friendship. There is that moment when you decide it is not worth being friends with someone who doesn't respect you. After a long time, I tried to meet a friend, but they kept postponing. When they met, they came late and left in ten minutes, saying let's catch up in three to four months. It was also humiliating, even in the ten minutes we spoke. I decided I was not going to meet them ever again. I went to Boston to meet a friend, but I felt they also were trying to avoid meeting me. People change after they get married and have kids. I am not blaming them as they get busy. Since I am not married, I keep expecting the same thing. It is all my fault, so I will not expect anything from anyone. I don't call anyone a best friend. I have a few relatively close friends, but it is not like I speak to them about everything. The issue is mainly with me. Being an introverted loner, I don't know how to make friends. And work friends are not really friends, you know. It is all fake and artificial. Sometimes, I hate myself for overthinking. It is the same reason that is stopping me from being confident. My mother told me she had not seen me khul ke laughing in a long time. I was like, wait, yes. Even I have forgotten. Haha. I was like Naina from Kal Ho Naa Ho. I am not sad or depressed, but you know, I wish things worked out for me, and they are not working out. Because happiness comes internally and reflects on your face. We will see.
I have also been thinking about Laapataa Ladies. It is quite a lovely film. I wanted to write some parts about it but still need to finish, so I thought of writing something now. As the title says, it is about women who are literally lost. But these women are metaphorically lost as well. When Phool gets lost, she finds help from Chotu and Abdul. This reminded me of Rani in Queen, who goes on a solo trip to Paris and Amsterdam on her honeymoon. She meets a bunch of travelers—Oleksander, Taka, and Tim—in the hostel. Like Phool meets Manju Mai, Rani meets Vijay, who becomes her friend and guide from whom she learns the ways of life. Manju Mai is separated from her husband. She tells Phool to be independent. Vijay, too, was free to do whatever she wanted to do. Her independence inspires Rani. In the end, Phool finally takes the name of her husband and goes back to him. She finds herself. In Queen, too, there was the aspect of the name. Vijay shares the same name as Rani's fiancĂ©. Rani does not need Vijay to be happy; Vijay na sahi, Vijaylakshmi to hai. That is why Queen is such a fantastic film, even now. Rani does not go back to Vijay.

I also watched Kalki 2898 AD and CTRL. They were fine. I did not find much to write about them. Early on, Bhairava (Prabhas) spoke about being selfish and thinking about your own side. I thought it was interesting because heroes don't talk much about being selfish in our films. But, as it turns out, he was one of the greatest warriors in his past life, known for his selflessness, Karn. It sets up his role for the next part, where he becomes selfless to save the people. In CTRL, we saw another character that seemed trapped and lonely, as seen in many other Vikramaditya Motwane's characters.
 
A few days ago, Han Kang became the first Korean and the first woman from any Asian country to be honored with the Nobel Prize in Literature. I was reminded of Past Lives when Nora said she was leaving Korea because "Koreans don't win the Nobel Prize in Literature." Twelve years later, she wanted to win the Pulitzer Prize. Then, another twelve years later, she wished for a Tony award. I wanted to win the Nobel as well. Haha. More seriously, though, life humbles us all, and we learn about our reality. Every child is special, but only a few adults become extraordinary. I used to think being average was not bad, but I now feel you must be the best in at least one thing, like being really, really good. Main to yahaan bhi peeche reh gaya. Haha.

Health-wise, I am now in the cut phase, where I have to lose about 10 kgs. I gained about 12 kgs in the last nine months, so I am reducing all the weight. It is a bit hard to survive on 1,500 calories after eating 2,500 calories, but it is fine. I have to do this to look the best. It gives me a purpose. I go to the gym five days and do 10,000 steps daily. It makes me tired, which is good because I can sleep faster and not waste my time in random browsing. I hope it works out for me.

It is also the Fall season, my favorite season when I go to the same places every year and click pictures of the same trees. Here are some pictures from today. I will post some more soon on my Instagram account.
I had more topics but will write about them in the next update.

Quote of the Day:
"Fall teaches us how beautiful it can be to let go."

Sunday, August 4, 2024

Memories in August

Facebook has the Memories feature. Every day, it shows the posts one had written on Facebook on the same day in prior years. Today, Facebook showed me a picture I had posted from the Iowa City library in 2012. It is the DVD of Dilwale Dulhanie Le Jayenge. It took me back to the days when I came to the US in August 12 years ago. I still have the embarrassing first post I wrote on this blog when I came here. It was one of the most eventful days I have had. This blog used to be my diary. Time flies. So much has changed in these 12 years that I cannot even begin where to start. There are the physical changes. Studying in Iowa City, working in Seattle, living in Luxembourg City for a while, coming back to Seattle, moving houses. There are also the mental changes. I have become a different person. Sometimes, I don't like the person I have become, but maturity teaches us that we must do some things even if they are uncomfortable. I wish I was more confident and more masculine in life. I am working towards it. One day at a time.
Talking of memories, I was listening to Phir Dekhiye from Rock On!!. The film ends with this message. And, today, CDs are virtually non-existent. Time changes so much.
There has been no good Hindi film worth watching for the last three to four months. It's such a terrible time. I was looking at the films released in 2007 and 2012. What years were these? There were so many good films. I don't feel like writing about any film because there is not any worth writing about. I sometimes follow Reddit these days. I occasionally come across posts about film stars, which makes me dislike them a lot—I know Reddit is not to be trusted, but there is some truth somewhere. No one is a saint, and these people are humans, but the kind of adulation these stars receive and how they behave—one just starts disliking them. That is why I am not a fan of any of these people. I can never be a big 'fan.' I admire their work and wish to learn something from it. And I have always been able to separate the art from the artist. I have no moral compunctions in that sense. If a good film comes, I will watch it.

Because there are no good films, I find comfort in old films. I was watching parts of Rangeela again. My god. While I wish the film's production quality was better so it did not look dated, it is terrific and era-defining. The way it presents Urmila Matondkar in the songs is gorgeous. Somebody put in the effort to be different, and it worked beautifully. Simply amazing. And, the music. The best. The flute at the beginning of Tanha Tanha Yahan Pe Jeena makes me so joyful. I was also thinking that Ram Gopal Varma gave Urmila two contrasting heroine roles in his films. The commoner becomes a star in Rangeela. The star runs away to live as a commoner in Mast.
Ending the post with the beautiful words that Shah Rukh Khan said when Yash Chopra passed away. Can he please finish his book? Of all the SRK personas, the writer one is the best. Desperately seeking Shah Rukh–the writer.

Saturday, July 6, 2024

Kabhi kabhi apne baare me sochna bahut zaroori ho jata hai

Even though I have been trying a lot, things have not been working out for me. This has made me miserable and helpless. To cheer myself up, I browsed through some old posts and comments on all my social media accounts. On Instagram, I used to be so funny. I put a fake invitation card of being invited to Katrina Kaif and Vicky Kaushal's wedding, and some people believed I got invited. These days, I don't feel like putting anything. I also read through the messages and comments that I received on this blog. I have nearly a thousand comments and about three hundred emails. Reading some of the messages made me emotional. That at least some posts resonated with people. I have always had self-confidence issues, but some of these messages have made me feel that I am not that bad. Also, some people told me that they liked reading the slightly melancholic and vulnerable posts I had written. I avoided writing those as I felt people would make fun of a grownup man talking like this. Confident people are admired everywhere, after all. I also noticed that many times, people would send me friend requests and messages sharing their vulnerable moments. They would talk and share things for some time, almost becoming friends. But after some time, they stop. It is because they were going through some difficult times and found me in that moment of vulnerability. Most of the comments I get are from people randomly searching for something. I remove them from my social media if I have not spoken to them for quite a while. I wish them the best.

While browsing my old emails, I found this news article about an earthquake in Delhi in 2011. I used to comment on some articles on news sites, and they included this comment in the article on NDTV. I miss this funny, idiotic side of me.

I have also been thinking of Dil To Pagal Hai. I love love love that film. I was thinking about how Pooja thrives in spaces where nobody else except her exists. She fully comes alive when no one is watching her. Rahul describes Maya as the one who dances only for herself. "Woh sirf apne liye naachti hai," he says. All through the film, we see Pooja doing things by herself. On Valentine's Day, she buys herself a gift. Rahul first spots her when she is dancing alone in the studio. Her feet start thumping to the beats of the drum, and she cannot stop herself. Naturally, Rahul would find his Maya in her.

There is also Aai (Aruna Irani) with whom Pooja is close. I love the character of Aai. She could easily perceive something special brewing between Pooja and Rahul. She is mature enough to let them confess their love for each other on their own. Instead of embarrassing and confronting them together, she speaks to them separately and guides them to overcome their internal challenges. She nudges Pooja to be more selfish and think about herself. "Kabhi kabhi apne baare me sochna bahut zaroori ho jata hai." She advises Pooja to stop running from her dreams. In a culture that fetishes self-sacrifice, it is a remarkable advice to be a bit selfish.
And, of course, the film's beautiful ending—the tape recorder, the walk on the stage—how can anyone not fall in love? I have to write about this fantastic film.

I was also listening to this beautiful song by Silk Route. Sabse peeche hum khadeDuniya ki is bheed mein, sabse peeche hum khade.
I also found this stunning piece of advice. I think I really, really needed it. I think we all need it. As they said, "Apni kahani hai. Ending change kar lenge." I wish I could imagine a decent future for myself.

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

I don't like weekends when I fall sick and spend my time in bed, barely able to get up. This was one such weekend. I watched Do Aur Do Pyaar and kept thinking about it. Sometimes, love is not enough. Will try to write on it if I feel like it. 

Sunday, June 23, 2024

On Memories and Places

In Vianden in Luxembourg
Today, June 23rd, is Luxembourgish National Day. On this day, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg's official birthday is celebrated as the country's annual national holiday. I am writing this because I saw some friends posting pictures and stories on Instagram. It took me to the day I landed in Luxembourg City five years ago at the same time, and it was a Sunday as well. Life comes full circle. I cannot believe it is five years already. So much has happened since then. I lived there for about two years, then Covid happened, and then I came back to the United States (which was another nightmare; I remember when I came back, my manager at work told me that she was shocked I made it back given all the complications I had to go through). And so many other things. I was so nervous before going to Luxembourg. How will I survive? How will it work out? Will it be fine? It was not easy, for sure. It was very difficult at work, and I had to do some things that were way too technical. I had to work till 2 or 3 at night on some days. I once cried in front of a friend because it was stressful. Sometimes, I had to take the blame for others' mistakes. I still remember the day I took a conference call from a toilet in Paris because somebody had escalated something, and that was the only quiet place I found. I was traveling to Paris to get my UK visa. I also made some mistakes, but I survived. Take each day as it comes and go through it. Ask for help. Be dependable. That experience has taught me so much. I do not feel afraid of any complicated thing now. I am like, I will figure it out. It has instilled a sense of confidence in me. I am so thankful for the experience, even if it was difficult. As they say, no pain, no gain.

I have so many memories associated with the place. Someone living there must get a medical test within a week of arrival to the city. So when I arrived, I went for a medical check-up, and lo and behold, I found my friend Y from Seattle at the same place. I had no idea she was living in Luxembourg. We both joined the same day in Seattle and then remained in touch. Then, I saw her at the doctor's place. It was shocking, but I felt relieved she was also there. And, funnily, a few months later, she joined my team. Then, gradually, I got to know more people. My friend T became my lunch partner, with whom I used to talk about anything. My work partner V is now one of my few close friends. X still pings me after every few days. T and S are still in touch. We all used to sometimes walk in the winter sun after lunch for 15 minutes and talk about random stuff. I miss the time there. But I am not sure I will go back because the memories we associated with that time are still there. Now, these friends have also moved away from there. I have so many memories which I will write before I forget because, as they said in The Lunchbox, "I think we forget things if we have no one to tell them to."
My Friend T
I have been back in Seattle for quite a while. I am more settled here but feel I am not making any memories. I know a lot of people, but they are more like acquaintances. They are nice friends, but not close friends. The relationship is very formal. It is just work-related. I have only one close friend, S, who has been with me since graduate school. Rest, you know, people are busy and don't talk much outside of work. It is a very Seattle problem. It is called Seattle Freeze. Even at work, people don't wish birthdays or other events. It is very formal and kept private. The other thing is that most people are married and have kids. They get busy. Some friends just change suddenly. It hurts, but again, one must give the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is going through their challenges. I am not sad or anything, but only stating my experience. Our lives are defined by our choices, and all these are choices I have made. I am fine with them, but I want to make more memories. 

In other news, I completed ten years at work. It is a big thing for me personally, although no one really cares at work. When I first joined, I thought I must survive for one year. And now, it is ten years. I don't know how long I will be here during these uncertain economic times. But I will again say that it has changed my life in so many ways. It has taught me a lot and made me a stronger person. Sometimes, I compare myself to others and don't feel good. Because I wanted to achieve some things but could not. I feel bad some days. But it is fine. I will work towards them gradually. One step at a time. It will work out. Apni kahani hai, ending change kar lenge. Remain thankful. Ask. Believe. Receive. Nam Myoho-renge-kyo.
I got a new red badge. The old badge has an ugly photograph. I don't like it now. :)

Memorable Moments of 2023

Six months of 2024 have already passed. It is too late to talk about the films of last year, but I wanted to write about some memorable moments from the films of 2023, something I have tried to do for the last few years. Writing has been difficult for the last few months, but better late than never. 

1. Ponniyin Selvan: II: It is my favorite film from 2023. Mani Ratnam returned with the sequel of his adapatation of Kalki's novel. In the most stunning moment of the film, Aditha (Vikram) and Nandini (Aishwarya Rai) finally converse face-to-face. Nandini had called him to her chambers. Aditha tells her he will give up everything if she comes with her. He will sever his ties with his family. He will give away the kingdom. They will run away and start a life of their own. Nandini seems moved by this proposal to start life again and almost acquiesces. However, the moment of vulnerability soon passes, and they return to reality. Nandini wants to see herself on the throne, she tells Aditha. She wants to live in a palace and enjoy the privilege of royalty. Aditha knew that Nandini wanted to kill him, yet he decided to go to her chambers without hesitation. He says he values her more than his life when he meets her. He is already a living corpse, as he does not have a soul. He is ashamed of himself for having become so heartless. He was prepared to die. When Nandini refuses his proposal, he gives her his dagger and embraces her so that it inserts into him. And then, he goes away from this world forever. The moment is shot beautifully. Aishwarya Rai is just magnificent and, perhaps, gave the best performance from last year.
2. Three of Us: Avinash Arun's Three of Us was another favorite film of last year. Shefali Shah plays Shailaja, a woman who embarks on a journey to her hometown before she loses her memory. Early in the film, an old lady starts saying something to Shailaja. This moment is repeated later when she meets another old lady in Vengurla. Shailaja tells the old lady that everyone told her that she would have died and that she would have forgotten her. But the lady replies that she is alive precisely because Shailaja remembered her. The old lady, unseen by others, symbolizes Shailaja's personal memory. The old lady has not aged as she continues to live on in Shailaja's mind. She is not seen by anyone as she is only Shailaja's personal memory. Three of Us underscores memories' non-linearity and inherently personal nature and explores how they can resurface at any moment.
3. 12th Fail: Vidhu Vinod Chopra's soaring tale of never giving up is inspiring. The beautifully made film has many memorable moments. The cheating scenes, the interaction with the honest police officer, and the final interview moment. But there was this poignant moment where I just could not hold up. Manoj (Vikrant Massey) is living in an aata-chakki where he cannot even stand fully erect. His father comes to meet him, and he is shocked by his son's living conditions. He breaks down seeing him and says he is ready to relinquish his honesty to give his family a better life. Manoj consoles his father and reminds him of the poem about not giving up, which he used to teach them. At this moment, Manoj becomes emotionally mature, becoming the father to his father. And all the while, he still has a smile on his face. Haar nahi manunga, raar nayi thanunga.
4. Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani: Karan Johar revisits his past films and adapts them to the present world in Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani. Scenes of Tota Roy Chowdhury are still memorable even a year after the film's release. He plays Rani's father, Chandon, and is a Kathak dancer—an uncommon male profession. Chandon believes that today's men do not have the rhythm, and girls like the rhythm of their men. Later, Chandon takes on the stage at a Punjabi wedding and dances with full fervor on Kahe Chhed Mohe from Devdas. The audience, not used to seeing a man perform a Kathak dance with grace and elegance, makes fun of him. Chandon recounts his life story at home, where he had been humiliated for his passion for dance since childhood. His father even hit him. But ultimately, his mother encourages him because "Hunar ka koi gender nahi hota." It is so moving to see the pain people carry in their hearts. This also seems to be Johar's personal story, recounted in interviews, where he said that he used to love dancing as a kid but was mocked for the same. Finally, this dance trope culminates during Durga Puja, where he and Rocky (Ranveer Singh) dance on Dola Re from Devdas. The iconic dance was filmed on two women—Aishwarya Rai and Madhuri Dixit—in the original film. Two men dance to the same song, as they said earlier, "Hunar ka koi gender nahi hota."
5. Satya Prem Ki Katha: Sameer Vidwans' take on Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam was a nice little film. It discussed the roles of heroes and supporting heroes in our lives. There is a lovely moment in the film when Sattu's mother (Supriya Pathak) tells her husband that if you can alleviate someone's pain, at least don't make it worse. Agar kisi ka dukh samajh nahi sakte, toh use badhao mat. I loved the Aaj Ke Baad sequence. We don't make such colorful songs anymore.
6. Jaane Jaan: Sujoy Ghosh's adaptation of The Devotion of Suspect X was another lovely film. Jaideep Ahlawat as Naren was amazing. He plays a teacher who loves his neighbor Maya (Kareena Kapoor Khan). He also feels pangs of envy of the other men in Maya's life. Maya kills her husband, and he comes to rescue her. When he removes the husband's body, he looks at him and says he might not be as good-looking as him, but at least he is alive. Similarly, he looks at his old college friend Karan (Vijay Varma) and realizes he has maintained himself well. Even though they both are the same age, he looks twice as old. He also seems to want to have more hair. In a stunning scene, he thinks of Maya and Karan spending time together at the Karaoke bar. He repeatedly shakes his head, but all in vain. Then, he does a bit of Jujutsu at night in the middle of the road. It is a pacifying moment depicting that negative energy can be channeled to art forms. Jujutsu, after all, is a martial art.
7. Mrs. Chatterjee vs Norway: Ashima Chibber's film was a bit over-the-top and caricaturish for me to fully like it. However, this one scene comes to my mind when I think about it. At a press conference, Devika (Rani Mukherji) complains to the Indian minister about the Norwegian government taking away her kids. When she comes home, she makes a mashup of milk, rice, and a banana and starts eating. Her mother-in-law curses her, but Devika keeps stuffing it in her mouth. She eats the food that she likely gives it to her kids. I wish the film had some nuance. It also reminds me how much fun Chibber's first film Mere Dad Ki Maruti was.
8. Pathaan: Shah Rukh Khan returned to box-office form with three blockbusters in Pathaan, Jawan, and Dunki. Unfortunately, none of these films are memorable; I have already forgotten them. But there is this one scene in Pathaan where the eponymous Pathaan talks about his broken body. He says his body contains metal parts, titanium discs, and biodegradable screws. He uses the Japanese art of kintsugi to appreciate this brokenness. Kintsugi is the art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, based on the idea that embracing flaws and imperfections can create a more beautiful piece of art. The process of repairing things creates something more unique and resilient. He uses kintsugi to build a force of similar people whose bodies and souls are broken—kuch ke shareer zakhmi hain, kuch ki rooh ghayal hai—to become more broken in the service of their country.
9. The Archies: Zoya Akhtar's train to nostalgia was not quite memorable. Beautiful world-building, but let down by a disappointing story and bland performances. Only Vedang Raina showed some spark. There is a lovely scene between his character, Reggie, and his friend, Dilton (Yuvraj Menda). Dilton is gay and is in love with Reggie. He has never explicitly said it, but it was quite visible as Dilton always protected Reggie. At one point, Reggie comes to Dilton and acknowledges his love for him. He tells him that he understands what Dilton feels for him and how difficult it must be to know he does not feel the same. He is his friend and will always be. And he will not tell anyone about them because "It is your story to tell."
10. Animal: Sandeep Reddy Vanga's Animal was difficult to sit through. His first film, Kabir Singh, still had some emotions, but Animal was largely unwatchable for me. I really try to watch films with an open mind, but this was just weird (for example, Vanga has this weird fascination with pubic hair; not just Animal, even Kabir Singh had a scene with it). He could have toned down these weird parts and focused on the man's obsession with his father. Anyhow, there are some fleeting moments that I remember. At one point, one character says that building relationships is like writing with sand on sand, and being true to them is like writing on water with water. Or, at another point, when Ranvijay (Ranbir Kapoor) says, "Happiness is a decision." Like the moment 'Suffering is personal; let him suffer,' this is also a deep and philosophical line. I wish it had more such moments.
Other Mentions: 
Amit Rai's OMG2 might be the first film in Hindi cinema that mentions the Hindi word for vagina. Konkona Sensharma's second directorial, The Mirror in Lust Stories 2, again showed the lack of space for the fulfillment of sexual desires (something Alankrita Srivastava has also often explored in her films). Nitesh Tiwari's Bawaal, about a couple navigating marital life through the lessons from the Second World War, became a topic of much ridicule. Still, the film had a heart with the right intentions. Arjun Varain Singh's Kho Gaye Hum Kahan had a splendid performance from Ananya Panday (I have always liked her; she has not yet given a bad performance in any of her films.) It also gave a great song—Ishq Nachaawe. 

Other Reading:
1. On Ponniyin Selvan: IILink
2. On Three of UsLink
3. On 12th FailLink
4. On Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem KahaaniLink
5. On Jaane JaanLink
6. On PathaanLink

Dialogue of the Day:
"Happiness is a decision."
—Ranvijay, Animal

Sunday, June 2, 2024

The Tribute

I have a black umbrella with me. I have some hazy memories of the place and the day I bought it. It was a shop located inside the Old Capitol Mall in Iowa City. It was raining quite heavily, and I did not have an umbrella when I came to the US as a student. After the torrential downpour, I bought it in the evening. It was $11 or so. It has been over a decade, and I still have that umbrella. I carried it daily in my bag when I went to college because we never know when it might rain. Then, I moved to Seattle, where I again carried forward the tradition. (Though people in Seattle do not carry umbrellas as they are used to the rain.) I took the umbrella with me to Luxembourg. When I came back, I brought it back with me. It has always been there in my work bag. It has got torn, with tiny holes in it. The wires are also coming out. It is time for it to go away. I have purchased a new one. Life is strange. We form bonds with inanimate objects. Even a small thing becomes attached to you. 

Last week, my uncle—my father's elder brother—called me. I never get a call from him. In fact, I don't get a call from anyone except for my mother, who calls me regularly. My uncle is now a bit old, in his late 70s. My father lost his father soon after being born. Leaving everything in Pakistan during the Partition and starting all over again, my uncle has raised all his brothers and sisters. When I asked him about his health, he said, "Panchchi ab udne vala hai." The bird is about to fly. Life has become hard with recurring health issues, and he felt maybe the time to go away is coming soon. It is time for him to go away.

I was reminded of the story called The Tribute, which was part of the Class 10th English Literature course. It was about Babuli, who was called to his village for a family dispute as their ancestral property was to be divided. Babuli was raised by his elder brother, who was like a father figure. His elder brother had sacrificed a lot for his own brothers. By the end of the story, Babuli decides to give his share of the property to his brother as a tribute. I reread the story, and I was moved by it. I can understand the emotions of the story so much better now. It is like one of Jhumpa Lahiri's beautiful stories. These days, I keep thinking of memories from childhood. Random memories. The funny thing is that I completed ten years at my workplace and don't remember much. It feels like I am emotionally stuck, but I still remember the ten years from childhood. I get nightmarish dreams of failing the exams or forgetting the admit card for board exams. That is why they say childhood will lay the foundation of your adulthood. You know, they said in Taare Zameen Par that every child is special. But in adulthood, only a few children remain special. The rest of us lose that child-like innocence. I wish I could get that spark back and become less cynical. 


Monday, May 27, 2024

It’s deeper but just as transparent

It's funny how social media works. I research and curate some posts to make collages, but they get no traction. However, a random snapshot from Wikipedia can go viral. I was reading about Payal Kapadia, who made history at the Cannes Film Festival by winning the Grand Prix for her film All We Imagine As Light. The title reminds me of Anthony Doerr's novel All The Light We Cannot See. The titles of all of Kapadia's films are poetic. I love such titles that have an underlying melancholy and intrigue. I planned to go to Cannes when I was living in Luxembourg as it was not far. A train could take just a few hours. Unfortunately, it was peak Covid, and the festival was canceled, so I could not go. Alas! But I managed to go to the Berlin Film Festival (which was right before Covid), where I met Baradwaj Rangan. These festivals are a little overhyped in the media. They are normal, like any other festival.

Anyhow, this was the long weekend, and as always, I had nothing planned. I wanted to finish so many things, but I did nothing much except workout and a little reading—the only things that keep me sane these days, or else I go into cycles of negativity. I wanted to go for a haircut, but the place I usually go to, I am always a bit skeptical as to how it will turn out. Every time there is someone new, I don't like it much. They either cut too short or don't cut enough. So, I decided to find another place. I randomly took the light rail (metro) to the south of the city and walked around the neighborhood to find a hair salon. When I was walking, I saw this interesting art piece. It is a little jarring to see shoes over a bowl of food (like how we never put shoes over books), but what inspired me was the quote by Alan Chong Lau written below it. "Who we are is not what we wear or eat; it’s deeper but just as transparent." It is so thoughtful, and it uses contrasts to make the point. I love finding these random things in the city which I try to put on Instagram.

So, I got a decent haircut (50% cheaper than the usual price I usually pay at the other place). The other thing is that I have started coloring my hair. My hair had some sections of grey hair even when I was in my early 20s, but now, they are substantially more. It does not look good because it is not uniform, and when the hair grows, it flows to the birthmark on my face. So I color my hair black. When my mother sees it, she always asks have you colored your hair and I tell her no. I tell her I had a haircut, haha. She can immediately notice it.

As it is the time of social media, I see all the reels and stories of people traveling. Some days, I want to travel the world; some days, I feel it is all fine, and I don't want to go anywhere. Try to find happiness in your daily moments. As I write this, I think of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. In the film's iconic ending, Bauji lets go of Simran and tells her to live her life, "Jaa, Simran, Jaa. Jee le apni zindagi." Earlier in the film, he tells her the same words when she takes his permission to go to Europe. Contrast this with Raj and his father when he seeks permission to go on the same trip. Raj failed his examinations, so he said he would not go on the trip and would join the office with his father. "Main apni puri jawani jee chuka hun," he says. His Pops immediately stops him and says to never utter the same words again. Pops spent all his life working and never got a chance to enjoy his youth, so he wants Raj to live it up for him. Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge is also a story of immigrant fathers and their sacrifices. The one who moved away from his home and never traveled in twenty years. The other spent all his life working, did not marry again, and raised a child. Anybody not born into a family of privilege can identify with these struggles. This also reminds me of an article by Manu Joseph, who wrote, "Indians scorn 'dynasties' but are raising pampered children."
Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge might feel a bit dated now, but it is still immensely moving. The film acknowledges Lajjo's sacrifices. When she takes her jewelry and gives it to Simran and Raj and asks them to elope, she does it because she does not want her daughter to make the sacrifices she did. I also think of the sagacious Chutki, about whom I had written a post years ago.

As always, I segue into random topics. I will come back soon. 

Dialogue of the Day:
"Aadatein agar waqt par na badli jaayein toh zarooratein ban jaati hai."
—Chutki, Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

Sunday, May 19, 2024

Birthday Post—Age 37

It is time for my annual birthday post. I just went through all the old birthday posts on the blog and realized that I have written a post on my birthday since 2009. My god, that is fifteen years. Some older posts made me cringe, just as Geet from Jab We Met had said, "Kitni paagal thi main." But it has shown the growth in me. So, there is no point deleting those. I deleted birthday details from Facebook and Twitter, so only not many people remembered it. Only a few close friends and family members wished me. It is fine; I don't really care much about birthdays anymore. I did not even realize till last week that it is coming soon. My father says a birthday is also a reminder of being one year closer to mortality. I did nothing much except eat some nice food. I got a nice present from S. And I bought a shirt for myself. I am trying to dress well because how you present yourself matters. 
Gift from S
As I wrote earlier, I am sad because things are not working for me. But I don't want to write the same thing again today. I will figure things out gradually. No one is coming to save you, so you are your own best friend. One thing I do not do anymore, which I used to do till a few years ago, is to portray myself as a victim of circumstances. We all have to deal with the cards that we are dealt with. It's called life. Everyone is dealing with their luck, their choices, and their actions—all three of which define our lives.

I have not written much these days, but I have to finish my favorite moments from 2023 films even though it is six months into the new year. When I think of 2023 films, I think of the climactic moments of Ponniyin Selvan: II between Nandini and Aditha—a stunning portrayal of love and sacrifice. Or the lovely moment between Dilton and Reggie in The Archies, where Reggie tells Dilton that he knows his feelings for him and will not tell anyone because it is his story. Or that moment from Satya Prem Ki Katha where Sattu's mother advises that if you cannot help someone in pain, at least don't make it worse. And many more about which I should write soon. Also, Shah Rukh might have had three blockbusters last year, but honestly, I will not watch any of those films again. They are not for me. 

I also got messages from three-four friends to write about Heeramandi. They all loved it. I started watching it and will take time to finish and write about it. But in one of the early episodes, there is a moment when Alam writes poetry in her diary resting on Tajdar's heart. And then he writes back on her heart. It is a tiny little moment but so beautiful in its conception. I think I will try to write about these lines of beauty. Meanwhile, I just finished Laapataa Ladies, which is lovely and made me tear up a bit in the final moments when Manju Mai eats kalakand. I am finishing the post about it soon. 

Anyway, I hope to gain the clarity to move ahead in life. Ask, believe, receive. Nam myoho renge kyo. Jagmag jot hot ujiyaara, gagan sot par chandr nihaara. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

Amar Singh Chamkila—Ishq Mitaye, Ishq Banaye

Who knew Imtiaz Ali would find his mojo back with a biopic? Biopics are some of the most boring films for me because their storytelling is dull, or they are turned into hagiographies, ignoring that humans are complex. Ali challenges these conventions in Amar Singh Chamkila and makes a beautiful film that does not necessarily provide all the details but provides sufficient context for its eponymous hero. Amar Singh Chamkila tells the story of the singer Chamkila (Diljit Dosanjh). Born as Dhani Ram in a poor family, Chamkila found fame and popularity for his songs, often described as lewd and vulgar. Known as the Elvis of Panjab (sic), he was a Dalit who sang in akhaaras with his wife, Amarjot (Parineeti Chopra). They both were eventually shot dead by unknown people for reasons that, till today, are not clear. The film asks questions about artistic freedom and morality that are relevant today. Who decides if his songs are obscene? Are they not part of the lived reality of people? How were his songs different from the ones that women sing during ladies' sangeet?
Early in Amar Singh Chamkila, a young Chamkila sees a woman accusing a man of having an affair and getting a boner—khada. He asks his mother about the meaning of khada, but she shuts him down. Then, during a wedding ceremony, women sing and dance to a song about boners. This influences him to write about boners, but he is punished by his teacher, a sign of what he will face in adulthood, too. He sees men stealthily watching women bathing. He sees men and women having sex. These events shaped his worldview, and he started writing about them in his songs. As we have seen earlier, the worldview of Ali's characters is shaped when they are young. Childhood never really leaves them. In Tamasha, the young Ved was fascinated with storytellers, which became his life calling. In Highway, the young Mahabir saw the sexual abuse of his mother, which broke him mentally and made him see his mother in Veera. In Amar Singh Chamkila, too, there is a moment when he sees his father being kicked and physically abused. In Laila Majnu, the young eponymous couple met as kids at a wedding, which tied them together. They saw each other even in their dreams. In Jab Harry Met Sejal, Harry left home and never forgot it. In Love Aaj Kal (2020), Raghu and Leena met during their teens. Even after all these years, Raghu never forgot her, making him incapable of being in long-term relationships.
Chamkila then grows up and finds a job in a sock factory, but his heart is not in it. He finds passion in singing. He sits before a well with his tumbi, singing into the void. He starts writing lyrics for other singers till he, by chance, gets to sing himself. He is loved by the audience and then decides to take it up professionally. His father soon finds out about his singing. In a stunningly shot scene that uses the interplay of light, Chamkila offers him money, making his father forget all his issues. Again, the parallels with Ved cannot be missed. Ved lost his identity while working in a corporate job. He used to run away to listen to stories. His father sends him to a boarding school that suppresses his dil ki awaaz. But Chamkila was smart enough. He was already prepared to confront his father.
Chamkila knows the kind of songs people want to hear and enjoy. He partners with Amarjot to sing across akhaaras and gains more fame. As it happens, with fame came his detractors. His competitors try to fan negative sentiment against him. An interesting scene in the film is when Chamkila is interviewed by a journalist (Sahiba Bali). He initially tries to not see her directly as she is wearing pants. The journalist mocks him for his hypocrisy that he can write offensive lyrics about women but cannot see a woman in jeans. He replies that he sings about what he has seen in life, and his songs reflect that. He is an ordinary person who sings what ordinary people like to listen to; otherwise, he wouldn't be an artist. The scene is a reminiscence of the journalist character from Rockstar, played by Aditi Rao Hydari. But it again shows that if Chamkila only gave what his audience would hear, who would decide the morality of his content? It is the same argument we hear even today related to music remixes. Producers make remixes because people listen to them, or is it the other way around?
As one reflects more on the film, it comes to mind that Ali had already shown us snippets of Amar Singh Chamkila in his earlier films. For instance, think of the scene when Aditya meets Geet's grandfather in Jab We Met. Chamkila visiting the religious leaders who ask him to stop singing gives the same vibes as Geet's grandfather. Or think of the scene where Chamkila's albums start selling like hotcakes; something similar was seen in Rockstar when Jordan's albums began selling. There is also a Khatana Bhai-like character in Amar Singh Chamkila, again played by Kumud Mishra. Or think of the ending scene when Chamkila and Amarjot are on the stage, identical to Tamasha's ending. Or the scene where the bright light glow can be seen on Chamkila's face when he sits outside. It is just like the glow on Ved's face when he calls Tara's name in Tamasha.
Many other scenes remind one of Ali's earlier films, like the concept of waqt. When Chamkila convinces Amarjot to sing with him, he tells her, "Yeh apna waqt chal raha hai, Babbi. Aur main guarantee deta hun, yeh hamesha nahi rahega." When he refuses to stay in Canada, he counters his friend by saying, "Yeh waqt bura hai? Yeh hi to waqt hai." People are listening to him now; he cannot just sit at home. Remember what Geet tells Aditya in Jab We Met before she runs away with him. She said, "Yeh jo waqt hai na yahan jo hum kaat rahe hai, ye bahut accha time hai, dekhna aage chal kar hum ise yaad karenge aur hasenge." In Laila MajnuQais tells Laila, "Duniya hai, duniyadari hoti hai. Time hai," after she asks for more time to finalize her divorce.
One of the other peculiar things about Amar Singh Chamkila is that it called Punjab Panjab. It is entirely intentional, given the subtitles also call it Panjab. There are many theories by scholars on whether this should be the correct spelling of Punjab, but the film never explains this aspect. Ali, though, has always had an interest in Panjab. Ever since Jab We Met, Panjab and Sikhs have appeared in his films. Geet was a Sikhni who lived in Bathinda. In Love Aaj Kal, Veer and Harleen were Sikhs. The Panjabi women sang La La Ho Gayi Re in Thoda Thoda Pyar. The film ended with Bhangra dancers dancing on Aahun Aahun. In Rockstar were the songs Katiya Karun and Sadda Haq Aithe Rakh. In Tamasha, the musicians with tumbi who showed up in Heer Toh Badi Sad Hai were Sikhs. In Jab Harry Met Sejal, Harry is from Panjab, and the film is based on his desire to come home.
Ali is quite inventive in the storytelling of Amar Singh Chamkila. He incorporates real-life video footage from Chamkila's life into the film (something we also saw in Class of '83). He adds still black-and-white photographs of Chamkila and recreates those moments. He uses split screens. He even uses animation to depict some sequences. (We also saw brief snippets in Tamasha when Ali showed paintings depicting the phases of Ved's life.) He shot all the songs at live locations. He provided the full lyrics for Chamkila's songs in Hindi as text. In this regard, the contribution of the film's editor, Aarti Bajaj, cannot be ignored. It is quite well done. The fabulous montages (which Ali's films are also known for) are another highlight of the film.
Not only in its storytelling, but Amar Singh Chamkila also emphasizes the very act of storytelling. Once upon a time is often how Ali's films begin. In this film as wellthere is the act of storytelling. The story of Chamkila is told to us by different people after his death. Each of these people describes their view of the story. Tikki (Anjum Batra) first spoke about his relationship with Chamkila. Then, his other band members start sharing his story. Then, the story is continued by his other friend, Sivia (Apinderdeep Singh). The police inspector Dalbir Singh (Anuraag Arora) is the listener of this story. He had always listened to Chamkila's songs but pretended he did not know much about him. By the end, he becomes sympathetic to Chamkila and lets his son listen to his songs. That is why stories are transformational. They help us understand something better.
In many places, the film equates Chamkila and Amitabh Bachchan. Early on, Chamkila styles his hair like Bachchan at Vijay Hair Dresser. He is called by the panchayat after he marries Amarjot without revealing his first marriage. He compares himself to Bachchan and performs in front of the villagers. Later, he convinces Amarjot to sing with him as the public is ready to pay them a lot. Their music records were sold in black, just like Bachchan's films were. His friend Sivia says that he even started looking like Bachchan. He starts dressing like him. The jeans. The shirts. The swag. When he refuses to quit smoking, the animation shows him lighting up with Bachchan's swagger. In Canada, Chamkila sees Bachchan on the billboards and finds out he is performing at the same theatre where Bachchan had performed. The manager tells him they had to put nearly a thousand extra chairs for his show compared to Bachchan's. Hearing this, Chamkila is left dejected. He had surpassed the popularity of his childhood hero. He might have won all the fame, but as an artist, he lost something forever.
In moments such as the above, Amar Singh Chamkila touched upon the thinking of kalaakars. It does not go into much detail, but there are flashes of what it means to be an artist. When Panjab is going through turmoil, Mr. Ahmed (Kumud Mishra), like Khatana Bhai in Rockstar, asks Chamkila to continue to sing. When people are already sad, they don't want to listen to sad songs. They want to listen to lively music to make them forget their pain. Later, Chamkila turned to sing religious songs, but his fans insisted that he sing his original songs. He gives in to their demands. Do artists have to be humble to the wishes of their fans? Can they take the risk of reinventing themselves without losing their audience?
An Imtiaz Ali film will surely have lovely music, and Amar Singh Chamkila does not disappoint. Each song has its special place in the album and is fabulously choreographed. Ali is one of the few filmmakers focusing on creating new music rather than using old remixes. The album has six songs, five of which make it to the film. The first song in the film is BaajaChamkila and Amarjot are about to sing at a wedding. As soon as they get out of the car, they are shot dead. Moments later, Baaja begins with Mohit Chauhan making a special appearance. The song is presented like Chali Kahani of Tamasha, and Yeh Dooriyaan of Love Aaj Kal, where Chamkila's life story is narrated. Surly men break the fourth wall to tell us, "Jis wajah se chamka, us wajah se tapka." He was, "Chamkila, sexila, tharkila."
In the past, Ali has often used external objects to depict the gradual change in his characters' internal state. In Love Aaj Kal, Jai was happy when he went to San Francisco, as Main Kya Hoon shows. However, he slowly realized something was amiss in his life. Jai collected packets of mayonnaise. By the song's end, the bowl is full, signifying he cannot take it anymore. In Tamasha, the lack of Tara's smile shows her decaying relationship with Ved. When Ved used to leave after dropping her, Tara's smile gradually disappears as she realizes that Ved is not behaving like he did in Corsica. In Amar Singh Chamkila, travel by car is used to depict the nascent increase in the closeness of Chamkila and Amarjot. Amarjot's brother always came in between the two when they traveled in a car till one instance where Amarjot decided to sit next to Chamkila. This sequence eventually concludes in Tu Kya Jaane, another fabulous song from the film. The song is presented like Amarjot's dream, in which the background has a halo effect. The lyrics talk about the woman talking about her beloved—tann ka taj bhi, man ka raj bhi. She then says she will fight against the world for her beloved. Jitt loon zamane se main jung karke, tujh pe duppatte wala rang karke, suit se apne main loongi mila, rakhna tujhe seene pe ab maine haaye.
The third song, Ishq Mitaye, appears in the film in 1984, when Panjab is reeling from riots and terrorism. Contrary to societal rules, Chamkila decides not to give up singing during troubled times. He wants to give people some joy during difficult times of their lives. He continues to sing all over Panjab and is mobbed wherever he goes. The song is absolutely fantastic and pays tribute to Chamkila's life. It says, "Ishq mitaye haye haye, ni maye, mera ishq banaye haye haye." Love destroys; love creates—a perfect description of Chamkila's life, just like Baaja also said, "Jis wajah se chamka, us wajah se tapka." The lyrics of this song have political undertones comparing Chamkila's life with Panjab—Main hoon Panjab. There is also a beautiful phrase, "Jeeve agg meri sara jal mera jeeve," which means my inner fire and water may thrive. When this line appears, we see the fire inside the dancers on the screen. This is reminiscent of the burning guitar scene in Rockstar, where fire and water were present when Jordan was in the bathtub.
The most memorable song sequence in the film, however, is the fabulously choreographed Naram Kaalja. It completely contrasts Baaja, where men talk about Chamkila. In Naram Kaalja, it is all women and their naram kaalja. Tender heart. The men seemed angry in the former, while the women light up this song with their charm. Naram Kaalja begins when an older woman says she stealthily listens to Chamkila's songs. She says his songs are not much different from the songs that women sing themselves during wedding ceremonies. Then, many young women secretly turn on the record player to listen and dance to his songs. The lyrics are a tribute to the type of songs that Chamkila used to sing. Here, the women sing about their auratpan and how men are only a means to their desire—aish ka saamaan. The women acknowledge their societal relations but say their desire takes higher precedence. Devar ki bhabhi bhi main hun, rishtey qabuloon, par yeh na bhooloon, kaise bhujhani hai jo agg lag jaaye. The song has all types of women: young girls, college-going women, newly married women, working women, and older women. They all sing and dance as if Chamkila has given a voice to their desires. Women went crazy listening to Chamkila; even roofs on houses fell when women gathered, earning him the moniker kotha dhau kalaakar. It is sheer joy to watch this song and be delighted; the last song I recall that had this similar feeling was Chak Chak in Atrangi Re.
Amar Singh Chamkila ends in quietness. At the funeral of Chamkila and Amarjot, there is a somber silence. Not many words are spoken. I remembered how Love Aaj Kal (2020) had also ended in silence when Raghu visited Leena's tea cafĂ©. He discovers she is pregnant and realizes his time to be with her is gone. No words are spoken, only gestures, and then he leaves. After the funeral in Amar Singh Chamkila, the melancholic Vida Karo plays. As the title suggests, it is a farewell song in the film's final moments. Chamkila is asking people to let him go as he has been problematic and impure. Tum sabhi paak magar, paap ka dariya main. It is profoundly moving. I don't like many of Arijit Singh's sad songs, but this one is beautiful. It could be because it is more conversational rather than singing. The song is, in fact, inspired by Shiv Kumar Batalvi's Mainu Vida Karo.
Diljit Dosanjh is fabulous as Chamkila and gets to the skin of the character. Parineeti Chopra is good as Amarjot. Other performances, especially Tikki (Anju Batra) and Inspector Dalbir Singh (Anuraag Arora), are memorable. Many of the themes, such as artistic freedom and censorship, raised by Amar Singh Chamkila find resonance even today. Ali asked the right questions but might not have provided all the answers. No film is perfect, but given Ali's last few films, Amar Singh Chamkila is a win. Who knew Imtiaz Ali would find his mojo back with a biopic?

Trivia:
1. Amarjot reads many Punjabi books in the film. Here, she reads Chitta Lahu by Nanak Singh.
2. An interesting thing about the poster is that it is more Rangeela than Chamkila. 
3. Window scenes in Amar Singh Chamkila.
4. Diljit Dosanjh had sung Ikk Kudi in Udta Punjab, also written by Shiv Kumar Batalvi.

Other Reading:
1. On the films of Imtiaz Ali—Link
2. On Laila MajnuLink
3. On TamashaLink
4. On Agar Tum Saath HoLink
5. On RockstarLink
6. On HighwayLink
7. On Tara in TamashaLink
8. On Jab We MetLink
9. On Jab Harry Met SejalLink
10. On Love Aaj Kal (2009)—Link
11. On Love Aaj Kal (2020)—Link
12. On Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and TamashaLink

Dialogue of the Day:
"Jeeve agg meri sara jal mera jeeve."
Amar Singh Chamkila