Hmmm..Long time no see.. What to say.. I was out of Delhi, had gone on an office outbound training program to Mukteshwar last weekend, therefore did not write anything..and what to write here, in any case, people think I write negative all the time, but the thing is my blog is more like a diary..how can one write positive if one doesn't feel like? Anyways, this is going to be a really really long crib post, so I advise you to not read further as it will make you depressed further! You remember the episode in Friends when Joey is in love with Rachel but he can't tell her that, so Phoebe in order to cheer him up brings supposedly 'the happiest dog in the world', but at the end it is the dog who ends up getting depressed! Same is with me, you will end up getting depressed, so don't blame me later.
You know I have been dealing with a lot of work issues in office that have completely damaged my self confidence. I already suffer from a lack of self esteem and the events of the last 3-4 months have further made a dent in my confidence as a person. I don’t know why it happens to me but somehow or the other I end making up a fool of myself in front of my boss. I don’t have a problem with him, he is a very nice person, the problem is me, myself. And I really can’t understand why it happens. I do my work so carefully so that there is no error but it is so embarrassing when your boss can find so many errors in the same file. It is depressing. And this problem has come up more in the last 3-4 months only. Earlier it wasn’t like this. It makes me feel mediocre. I was so good in school. And if I tell anyone that I scored 95.4% in my Class 12th board exams and topped my school (all sections – science + commerce!) with getting 99/100 in Economics, all will laugh at me in disbelief. And people tell me that they have a problem with my sentence structuring! In contrast, the final exam of Class 11, my English ma’am showed my paper to all English teachers in school and I was awarded the certificate for the highest marks in English in Class 11 – all sections combined. No, I am not the kind of person who brags about myself but it really makes me feel was all that a hogwash? Was it some banal childhood thing of the past? Was it all a lie? Even in college, I was a pretty decent student. Am I that bad? You know there are people who are actually quite dumb but they don’t know it. Say someone like Peter Keating in The Fountainhead. But there are also people are quite dumb and know that as well. Just like Ellsworth Toohey of The Fountainhead as Ayn Rand defines them as ‘a man who never could be, but know it’. And you know it is even more depressing one you see all your peers doing so well and going places. I also feel that I should achieve something in life, make a great career of myself, do something pioneering. But whenever I try to do this, it is like some evil thing that comes up again and I start having doubts about myself. I was having the same discussion with my friend and neighbour P (who is one of the very few persons I wish to be like in the future).He told that we people slogged 2 years of our life in Class 11 and 12, went to such great colleges and then end up at a place where our entire hard work is negated. Am I destined to be like Ellsworth Toohey?
And my mom made a comment yesterday about how average people have got ahead in life and how I am left behind all this. Isn’t that such a shameful feeling? And when there are very few options that you see a bleak future, that is even more depressing. I have become so quiet that the other day my sister and my mom had a fight with me about why I don’t talk to them.
And there are few problems going on at home, so I don’t feel like staying at home too. So whether it is office or home, I am just depressed and more depressed. I have not tweeted since two weeks though I do read all the tweets. I haven’t updated any Facebook statuses. In any case, how does it even matter, as if my opinion will change something? I am no celebrity that people look forward to my tweets and blogs. And in any case, whatever I write some people think I am just so negative so why do I spoil their timeline but a blog is a very personal space. Here I am allowed to do whatever I like..no? I haven’t watched any movie in more than 2 months! What is happening ya? Kuch bhi theek nahi ho raha mere saath..
I have so much more to write ya but I think I should stop here. I hope the next posts are some good ones. I think I will probably write about something about my not-so-good trip to Mukteshwar and about my observations with people’s behaviour and what I wish to be in life. Till then happy (really??) reading...