Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Closed Book...

The following post is nonsensical to anyone except me so do not waste your precious time by reading it (though I doubt, there are any readers :] )
Don't know what is happening. My mood is so off. There are some things that hit you the most where it hurts a lot. And it even hurts more when you have only yourself to blame. I have been running away from something, instead of facing it, solving it. Ever since I was young, I had a dream that I wanted to be like this, like that..wanted to have something special. For the past few days, I have realised that it is not going the way I planned. I thought slowly things turn out to be fine but it is not. I think I will remain a wannabe of what I want. Life has given me so many things which for others might be nothing but for me those small things really matter. But there is one thing which I desperately need. I need that self confidence. I am very self deprecating and I don't want to be like that. Modesty is one thing but I think but this is not modesty. I am very self conscious to the extent that while writing this post I do not like to use 'I' as it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I know that it very easy for others to say that it comes easily but I have reached such an age where it is hard to change myself. It is extremely hard to bring the changes in you. I have tried so many times in the past but it has always backfired leaving me even more frustrated. I still curse that day in Class 8 which I think sowed the seeds of this problem. I sometimes blame God why did he make me like this but to blame him/her (whoever God is), is the easiest way to run away from your faults. I don't know what life has in store but I don't want to be an escapist. I don't know that what I am writing makes sense or not but I don't care because it is coming from what I have been thinking for the past few days. It scares me, I can't sleep at night thinking what if ? There are so many more situations which are definitely going to arise and I haven't even given a thought to them. Don't know what life has in store but I don't want to be known as a loser :( scared, lonely, a closed book. I can't say anything to anyone becuase no one will understand. I am pretty sure of that :( :(

2 comments:

  1. u think that even i wont understnd? u can atleast giv a try..
    i knew a big part of this and thats why i called u that day..

    i am there for u..!only if u care..!

    ReplyDelete
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