Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

I don't like weekends when I fall sick and spend my time in bed, barely able to get up. This was one such weekend. I watched Do Aur Do Pyaar and kept thinking about it. Sometimes, love is not enough. Will try to write on it if I feel like it. 

On Memories and Places

In Vianden in Luxembourg

Today, June 23rd, is Luxembourgish National Day. On this day, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg's official birthday is celebrated as the country's annual national holiday. I am writing this because I saw some friends posting pictures and stories on Instagram. It took me to the day I landed in Luxembourg City five years ago at the same time, and it was a Sunday as well. Life comes full circle. I cannot believe it is five years already. So much has happened since then. I lived there for about two years, then Covid happened, and then I came back to the United States (which was another nightmare; I remember when I came back, my manager at work told me that she was shocked I made it back given all the complications I had to go through). And so many other things. I was so nervous before going to Luxembourg. How will I survive? How will it work out? Will it be fine? It was not easy, for sure. It was very difficult at work, and I had to do some things that were way too technical. I had to work till 2 or 3 at night on some days. I once cried in front of a friend because it was stressful. Sometimes, I had to take the blame for others' mistakes. I still remember the day I took a conference call from a toilet in Paris because somebody had escalated something, and that was the only quiet place I found. I was traveling to Paris to get my UK visa. I also made some mistakes, but I survived. Take each day as it comes and go through it. Ask for help. Be dependable. That experience has taught me so much. I do not feel afraid of any complicated thing now. I am like, I will figure it out. It has instilled a sense of confidence in me. I am so thankful for the experience, even if it was difficult. As they say, no pain, no gain.

I have so many memories associated with the place. Someone living there must get a medical test within a week of arrival to the city. So when I arrived, I went for a medical check-up, and lo and behold, I found my friend Y from Seattle at the same place. I had no idea she was living in Luxembourg. We both joined the same day in Seattle and then remained in touch. Then, I saw her at the doctor's place. It was shocking, but I felt relieved she was also there. And, funnily, a few months later, she joined my team. Then, gradually, I got to know more people. My friend T became my lunch partner, with whom I used to talk about anything. My work partner V is now one of my few close friends. X still pings me after every few days. T and S are still in touch. We all used to sometimes walk in the winter sun after lunch for 15 minutes and talk about random stuff. I miss the time there. But I am not sure I will go back because the memories we associated with that time are still there. Now, these friends have also moved away from there. I have so many memories which I will write before I forget because, as they said in The Lunchbox, "I think we forget things if we have no one to tell them to."

My Friend T

I have been back in Seattle for quite a while. I am more settled here but feel I am not making any memories. I know a lot of people, but they are more like acquaintances. They are nice friends, but not close friends. The relationship is very formal. It is just work-related. I have only one close friend, S, who has been with me since graduate school. Rest, you know, people are busy and don't talk much outside of work. It is a very Seattle problem. It is called Seattle Freeze. Even at work, people don't wish birthdays or other events. It is very formal and kept private. The other thing is that most people are married and have kids. They get busy. Some friends just change suddenly. It hurts, but again, one must give the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is going through their challenges. I am not sad or anything, but only stating my experience. Our lives are defined by our choices, and all these are choices I have made. I am fine with them, but I want to make more memories. 

In other news, I completed ten years at work. It is a big thing for me personally, although no one really cares at work. When I first joined, I thought I must survive for one year. And now, it is ten years. I don't know how long I will be here during these uncertain economic times. But I will again say that it has changed my life in so many ways. It has taught me a lot and made me a stronger person. Sometimes, I compare myself to others and don't feel good. Because I wanted to achieve some things but could not. I feel bad some days. But it is fine. I will work towards them gradually. One step at a time. It will work out. Apni kahani hai, ending change kar lenge. Remain thankful. Ask. Believe. Receive. Nam Myoho-renge-kyo.

I got a new red badge. The old badge has an ugly photograph. I don't like it now. :)

Memorable Moments of 2023

Six months of 2024 have already passed. It is too late to talk about the films of last year, but I wanted to write about some memorable moments from the films of 2023, something I have tried to do for the last few years. Writing has been difficult for the last few months, but better late than never. 

1. Ponniyin Selvan: II: It is my favorite film from 2023. Mani Ratnam returned with the sequel of his adapatation of Kalki's novel. In the most stunning moment of the film, Aditha (Vikram) and Nandini (Aishwarya Rai) finally converse face-to-face. Nandini had called him to her chambers. Aditha tells her he will give up everything if she comes with her. He will sever his ties with his family. He will give away the kingdom. They will run away and start a life of their own. Nandini seems moved by this proposal to start life again and almost acquiesces. However, the moment of vulnerability soon passes, and they return to reality. Nandini wants to see herself on the throne, she tells Aditha. She wants to live in a palace and enjoy the privilege of royalty. Aditha knew that Nandini wanted to kill him, yet he decided to go to her chambers without hesitation. He says he values her more than his life when he meets her. He is already a living corpse, as he does not have a soul. He is ashamed of himself for having become so heartless. He was prepared to die. When Nandini refuses his proposal, he gives her his dagger and embraces her so that it inserts into him. And then, he goes away from this world forever. The moment is shot beautifully. Aishwarya Rai is just magnificent and, perhaps, gave the best performance from last year.

2. Three of Us: Avinash Arun's Three of Us was another favorite film of last year. Shefali Shah plays Shailaja, a woman who embarks on a journey to her hometown before she loses her memory. Early in the film, an old lady starts saying something to Shailaja. This moment is repeated later when she meets another old lady in Vengurla. Shailaja tells the old lady that everyone told her that she would have died and that she would have forgotten her. But the lady replies that she is alive precisely because Shailaja remembered her. The old lady, unseen by others, symbolizes Shailaja's personal memory. The old lady has not aged as she continues to live on in Shailaja's mind. She is not seen by anyone as she is only Shailaja's personal memory. Three of Us underscores memories' non-linearity and inherently personal nature and explores how they can resurface at any moment.

3. 12th Fail: Vidhu Vinod Chopra's soaring tale of never giving up is inspiring. The beautifully made film has many memorable moments. The cheating scenes, the interaction with the honest police officer, and the final interview moment. But there was this poignant moment where I just could not hold up. Manoj (Vikrant Massey) is living in an aata-chakki where he cannot even stand fully erect. His father comes to meet him, and he is shocked by his son's living conditions. He breaks down seeing him and says he is ready to relinquish his honesty to give his family a better life. Manoj consoles his father and reminds him of the poem about not giving up, which he used to teach them. At this moment, Manoj becomes emotionally mature, becoming the father to his father. And all the while, he still has a smile on his face. Haar nahi manunga, raar nayi thanunga.

4. Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani: Karan Johar revisits his past films and adapts them to the present world in Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani. Scenes of Tota Roy Chowdhury are still memorable even a year after the film's release. He plays Rani's father, Chandon, and is a Kathak dancer—an uncommon male profession. Chandon believes that today's men do not have the rhythm, and girls like the rhythm of their men. Later, Chandon takes on the stage at a Punjabi wedding and dances with full fervor on Kahe Chhed Mohe from Devdas. The audience, not used to seeing a man perform a Kathak dance with grace and elegance, makes fun of him. Chandon recounts his life story at home, where he had been humiliated for his passion for dance since childhood. His father even hit him. But ultimately, his mother encourages him because "Hunar ka koi gender nahi hota." It is so moving to see the pain people carry in their hearts. This also seems to be Johar's personal story, recounted in interviews, where he said that he used to love dancing as a kid but was mocked for the same. Finally, this dance trope culminates during Durga Puja, where he and Rocky (Ranveer Singh) dance on Dola Re from Devdas. The iconic dance was filmed on two women—Aishwarya Rai and Madhuri Dixit—in the original film. Two men dance to the same song, as they said earlier, "Hunar ka koi gender nahi hota."

5. Satya Prem Ki Katha: Sameer Vidwans' take on Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam was a nice little film. It discussed the roles of heroes and supporting heroes in our lives. There is a lovely moment in the film when Sattu's mother (Supriya Pathak) tells her husband that if you can alleviate someone's pain, at least don't make it worse. Agar kisi ka dukh samajh nahi sakte, toh use badhao mat. I loved the Aaj Ke Baad sequence. We don't make such colorful songs anymore.

6. Jaane Jaan: Sujoy Ghosh's adaptation of The Devotion of Suspect X was another lovely film. Jaideep Ahlawat as Naren was amazing. He plays a teacher who loves his neighbor Maya (Kareena Kapoor Khan). He also feels pangs of envy of the other men in Maya's life. Maya kills her husband, and he comes to rescue her. When he removes the husband's body, he looks at him and says he might not be as good-looking as him, but at least he is alive. Similarly, he looks at his old college friend Karan (Vijay Varma) and realizes he has maintained himself well. Even though they both are the same age, he looks twice as old. He also seems to want to have more hair. In a stunning scene, he thinks of Maya and Karan spending time together at the Karaoke bar. He repeatedly shakes his head, but all in vain. Then, he does a bit of Jujutsu at night in the middle of the road. It is a pacifying moment depicting that negative energy can be channeled to art forms. Jujutsu, after all, is a martial art.

7. Mrs. Chatterjee vs Norway: Ashima Chibber's film was a bit over-the-top and caricaturish for me to fully like it. However, this one scene comes to my mind when I think about it. At a press conference, Devika (Rani Mukherji) complains to the Indian minister about the Norwegian government taking away her kids. When she comes home, she makes a mashup of milk, rice, and a banana and starts eating. Her mother-in-law curses her, but Devika keeps stuffing it in her mouth. She eats the food that she likely gives it to her kids. I wish the film had some nuance. It also reminds me how much fun Chibber's first film Mere Dad Ki Maruti was.

8. Pathaan: Shah Rukh Khan returned to box-office form with three blockbusters in Pathaan, Jawan, and Dunki. Unfortunately, none of these films are memorable; I have already forgotten them. But there is this one scene in Pathaan where the eponymous Pathaan talks about his broken body. He says his body contains metal parts, titanium discs, and biodegradable screws. He uses the Japanese art of kintsugi to appreciate this brokenness. Kintsugi is the art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, based on the idea that embracing flaws and imperfections can create a more beautiful piece of art. The process of repairing things creates something more unique and resilient. He uses kintsugi to build a force of similar people whose bodies and souls are broken—kuch ke shareer zakhmi hain, kuch ki rooh ghayal hai—to become more broken in the service of their country.

9. The Archies: Zoya Akhtar's train to nostalgia was not quite memorable. Beautiful world-building, but let down by a disappointing story and bland performances. Only Vedang Raina showed some spark. There is a lovely scene between his character, Reggie, and his friend, Dilton (Yuvraj Menda). Dilton is gay and is in love with Reggie. He has never explicitly said it, but it was quite visible as Dilton always protected Reggie. At one point, Reggie comes to Dilton and acknowledges his love for him. He tells him that he understands what Dilton feels for him and how difficult it must be to know he does not feel the same. He is his friend and will always be. And he will not tell anyone about them because "It is your story to tell."

10. Animal: Sandeep Reddy Vanga's Animal was difficult to sit through. His first film, Kabir Singh, still had some emotions, but Animal was largely unwatchable for me. I really try to watch films with an open mind, but this was just weird (for example, Vanga has this weird fascination with pubic hair; not just Animal, even Kabir Singh had a scene with it). He could have toned down these weird parts and focused on the man's obsession with his father. Anyhow, there are some fleeting moments that I remember. At one point, one character says that building relationships is like writing with sand on sand, and being true to them is like writing on water with water. Or, at another point, when Ranvijay (Ranbir Kapoor) says, "Happiness is a decision." Like the moment 'Suffering is personal; let him suffer,' this is also a deep and philosophical line. I wish it had more such moments.

Other Mentions: 

Amit Rai's OMG2 might be the first film in Hindi cinema that mentions the Hindi word for vagina. Konkona Sensharma's second directorial, The Mirror in Lust Stories 2, again showed the lack of space for the fulfillment of sexual desires (something Alankrita Srivastava has also often explored in her films). Nitesh Tiwari's Bawaal, about a couple navigating marital life through the lessons from the Second World War, became a topic of much ridicule. Still, the film had a heart with the right intentions. Arjun Varain Singh's Kho Gaye Hum Kahan had a splendid performance from Ananya Panday (I have always liked her; she has not yet given a bad performance in any of her films.) It also gave a great song—Ishq Nachaawe. 

Other Reading:
1. On Ponniyin Selvan: II—Link

2. On Three of Us—Link

3. On 12th Fail—Link

4. On Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani—Link

5. On Jaane Jaan—Link

6. On Pathaan—Link

Dialogue of the Day:

"Happiness is a decision."

—Ranvijay, Animal

The Tribute

I have a black umbrella with me. I have some hazy memories of the place and the day I bought it. It was a shop located inside the Old Capitol Mall in Iowa City. It was raining quite heavily, and I did not have an umbrella when I came to the US as a student. After the torrential downpour, I bought it in the evening. It was $11 or so. It has been over a decade, and I still have that umbrella. I carried it daily in my bag when I went to college because we never know when it might rain. Then, I moved to Seattle, where I again carried forward the tradition. (Though people in Seattle do not carry umbrellas as they are used to the rain.) I took the umbrella with me to Luxembourg. When I came back, I brought it back with me. It has always been there in my work bag. It has got torn, with tiny holes in it. The wires are also coming out. It is time for it to go away. I have purchased a new one. Life is strange. We form bonds with inanimate objects. Even a small thing becomes attached to you. 

Last week, my uncle—my father's elder brother—called me. I never get a call from him. In fact, I don't get a call from anyone except for my mother, who calls me regularly. My uncle is now a bit old, in his late 70s. My father lost his father soon after being born. Leaving everything in Pakistan during the Partition and starting all over again, my uncle has raised all his brothers and sisters. When I asked him about his health, he said, "Panchchi ab udne vala hai." The bird is about to fly. Life has become hard with recurring health issues, and he felt maybe the time to go away is coming soon. It is time for him to go away.

I was reminded of the story called The Tribute, which was part of the Class 10th English Literature course. It was about Babuli, who was called to his village for a family dispute as their ancestral property was to be divided. Babuli was raised by his elder brother, who was like a father figure. His elder brother had sacrificed a lot for his own brothers. By the end of the story, Babuli decides to give his share of the property to his brother as a tribute. I reread the story, and I was moved by it. I can understand the emotions of the story so much better now. It is like one of Jhumpa Lahiri's beautiful stories. These days, I keep thinking of memories from childhood. Random memories. The funny thing is that I completed ten years at my workplace and don't remember much. It feels like I am emotionally stuck, but I still remember the ten years from childhood. I get nightmarish dreams of failing the exams or forgetting the admit card for board exams. That is why they say childhood will lay the foundation of your adulthood. You know, they said in Taare Zameen Par that every child is special. But in adulthood, only a few children remain special. The rest of us lose that child-like innocence. I wish I could get that spark back and become less cynical.