And I am not sorry for that...

Sid: I am so sorry. I am so sorry की मेरी बात से माँ और आप को इतनी तकलीफ पहुंची. I am sorry की मेरी वजह से आप को यह सब सुनना पड़ा. लेकिन यह सच है के मैं आप से प्यार करता हूँ  And I am not sorry for that.  यह भी सच है की मैं नहीं चाहता था की आपको कभी इस बात का पता चले क्यूंकि मैं जनता था की आप  नहीं समझ पाएंगी. मैं  सिर्फ आप को खुश देखना चाहता हूँ..और अगर आज सच्चाई जान कर आपको दुःख पहुंचा है तो मैं सिर्फ इतना कहना चाहूँगा की यह बिलकुल मेरा इरादा नहीं था. I am so sorry.

I love this scene ya..I cry every time I watch this :(  And when he says, he is sorry for everything but he is not sorry for falling in love with her...that's the way it should be. Why should he be sorry for falling in love with her? Uski kya galti thi..he just wants to see her happy..he has no expectations from her..why should he be sorry?

I am not sorry for that either...

Of Conversation with A...

Aah..philosophical discussions!! This past week I again had this general talk about life in general with A ;-) I have been having a lot of such talks with people lately. So I had this meeting with A regarding some work. So, while sitting in the meeting room, I randomly told him that I am going on a three week leave to sort out things for the future..about what I want to do ahead..blah blah. And then he tells me if I am studying for MBA? Then I told him that I feel that I am not cut out for doing an MBA. It is like you have to make your life hell after doing an MBA..agreed, you will be paid in millions but is it worth sacrificing your entire life for it? What will you do with the money if you cannot spend that money and are perennially stressed out? Will you have the time to do the things you like? No!! And then I told him, that I am not very sharp also. Eventually after MBA, you will land up in something like finance, consulting or marketing. You need to think out of the box if you want to survive such hardcore professions! And am not such a sharp or intelligent person. What ever I have achieved, I have done through my hard work..I am not born intelligent as some people are. And I am not a leader at all. I think leadership is over hyped. If all want to be leaders, won't it lead to anarchy? I am a follower..I'd rather be a follower than a fake leader!

I want happiness and contentment in life..yes, I want money..but enough money that I am able to live a decent life..And then I told A, that I feel being ambitious and contented are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have both. And I'd prefer to be contented than being the former. Being ambitious will force me to change myself to what I am not..and I am not ready for that at least now! 

After this monologue of mine, A tells me his version of story. He told me that he hasn't seen a more clear cut person than me because he himself doesn't know what he wants in life. He said that he also totally agrees that ambition and contentment are not compatible with each other. And he doesn't know what he will choose in life. And then he told me how he is also not at all intelligent person but it is through his hard work that he has reached where he has! He was like that people are either born sharp or not but you cannot increase or decrease your sharpness but one can increase the amount of hard work one does. He was like, he even being an IT engineer he could never write the code though he could develop some logic but he slogged all through to achieve what he has. There were two of his close friends who helped him, and he is indebted to them. 

Actually, the context of our discussion was the feedback that he gave me for the project! He had written a lot, I mean seriously a lot!!! but one aspect he showed praise was the hard work and commitment. That is why I told him that I am not an intelligent person, I cannot write analytically rich sentences, I cannot make jazzy out of the box frameworks. And then he is like there is no need for all this, you just need to be some what more hardworking. He told me that I take time to open up to people and I have to reduce this time from two months to two days. He was like, I walk with a stoop, I should walk straight like a man with confidence. He told me that I never look into the eyes of the person I am speaking and then he made do that, he must have said 'look into my eyes' at least 10 times! :-) There is no need to be afraid of things. He was like the other person is equally scared to look into your eyes, so don't give him the advantage. And then he was like he was also an introvert shy person. He just used to speak to his girl friend and two of his friends in college. But then he realized this wasn't taking him far. His friend who was a brilliant public speaker then gave him a tip that always look into the eyes of the person, this will remove all your fears! You will stammer once, you will forget words..once, twice, thrice, but kabhi na kabhi ho jayega theek!

And then he also narrated a story of his friend. he was like that his friend was going to the US, and at the airport he got a bit emotional that he has to leave his family and all..and then his friend's Mama gave him the advice, "Bhenchod, dariyo mat." And then A said he still follows that advice and I too have to take out the fear in me. He said if people start pitying you, then you are gone. People should not pity you nor you should do self pity.

There were so many things we just kept on discussing. I have always felt that A is a very nice person, if one takes out certain things out of him but no one is perfect haina? I have seriously learnt a lot from him. And then I said 'Thank you for the last six months' :) Ab feedback ke bare me main zyada nahi bolunga :{

And then I came and told this thing to H, he is like, "You know you are a very nice person." I was a bit stumped and then I was like "isme maine kya." No further comments were made ;-)

August 26, 2011

I will remember this day forever. One of my most special days ever.

Thanks ya for everything!

Of A Brilliant Passage and Parichay!

"The essence of life is not cause and effect. It is perversity. There is no telling the consequence of one's actions. As you sow, so shall you reap has a neat ring to it but you are making a grievous mistake if you put your faith in that kind of cheap sentiment. There are no just deserts. The wages of sin are not necessarily hell and the path of goodness is often lined with treachery for the world is predicated upon the principle of randomness." - Maharaj Kumar, Cuckold

It is so funny! yesterday only, I was talking about my actions in my earlier post about selfishness, and just now I read this absolutely brilliant passage from Cuckold! This is what J sent me a mail today, "Analyzing every deed you do is not really going to help you." Cosmic connections! :) This is what A had commented, "Human beings are good creatures.. 10 out of 100 will con you, that doesn't mean you don't trust them all." Isn't it very similar to what the above passage says that the world is working on randomness? Great minds think alike I guess :-)

And, I am simply fascinated by the trailers of this new Sameer Soni show Parichay on Colors. There is this beautiful line that his brother says in one of the trailers, "hum ek kamyab insaan me yeh kyun nahi dekhte ki vo ek accha insaan bhi hai yaa nahi..kaamyabi kya sirf naam kamane se hoti hai?" Very true! I want to watch this show but I have stopped watching TV altogether these days! Will try to catch up on Saturday jab poore hafte ke saath me aa jaate hai.

Of Selfishness, Goodness, and Melodiousness..

You know last to last week, there is this watchman in office. Whenever I passed by the door, he used to smile and wish me. So, one day while passing by him, he stopped me and said that he urgently needed Rs. 100, so if I could give him as his salary was expected to come on 08 August. He told he will return me later. I was like ok. But you know after that, whenever I pass by him, he just turns his face and totally tries to ignore me. He thinks that I will ask my money back, so he deliberately puts his face down or hides his face and avoids eye contact. I felt so bad :( Why is he doing like this? Instead of being gracious enough, he is trying to show his true colors. It made me feel as if he conned me. Why can't he just behave normally? I am not asking my money back but since he is behaving like this, I feel like asking it back. And I told this to J, she said how easy it is for people to make a fool of you! :( You should not have paid him in the first place. So you know this event made me feel as to why did  I pay him? What was my primary purpose? To help him? yes! but the secondary purpose? I felt good that I am helping this guy as he only asked me, perhaps he thought I might help him..why not others. So there was my selfish interest of feeling good involved in it right? And now since he is behaving so weirdly, I am feeling irritated. So wasn't it my mistake in the first place to pay him?! I don't know.

And one more! Our cab met with an accident at Kalindi Kunj. So there was this old fellow 'tujhe pata bhi hai main kaun hun yahan ka' whose car our bhaiya accidentally hit upon. He then starting abusing and hitting the bhaiya and then called the traffic police inspector. That inspector obviously was looking for making some quick money. So after the negotiation process, he asked for Rs.200! Now our bhaiya was a bit upset, so he started saying to me that how poor people are treated by this rich goons. So, you know out of sympathy I paid Rs. 200 to him that he should keep it and don't think too much about it. Why did I pay it? Did it make me feel nice about it? yes..so wast it a selfish act right? My purpose was that it will make me feel good and increase my standing in his eyes, so wouldn't it be wrong if I said that I paid him out of sympathy. So, it was actually a sort of business transaction which made me feel good! If charity makes you feel good, then you shouldn't be bragging about it. It is perhaps out of your happiness that you are doing this! If one of your transactions go wrong, then don't blame anyone for it! And very wisely, A tweeted to me that day "neki kar kuuen me daal.. u did something for good, not everyone will be the same" It is so true. And you know what the next day, this driver bhaiya of ours, he asked me that if I can pay him Rs.100!!! Theek hai I paid Rs.200 pehle to iska matlab mere se aur paise mangoge? I was so irritated again! It made me wonder as if this bhaiya is also taking advantage of me! He told that he has forgotten his wallet at home and since the tire has got deflated so many times during the say, he is left with no cash, so he will pay me back tomorrow! I paid him. And it did not make me feel good at all! I was suspicious of his intentions! But the next day, he himself paid me back the money..even with out asking! So, what I did was an unselfish act right? because I did not feel happy about it! So as people say, charity should be done in such a way that your right hand does not even know what your left hand gave!

And you know won't believe the cosmic connection of the week!! I was thinking that I will wrote about this in my blog and yesterday night, I watch this Episode of Friends (Season 5)! As I told before, that I don't name the episode, but rather pick them randomly and you know which one I watched??? The one with the PBS!!!  That one in which Phoebe is trying to convince Joey that there can be unselfish acts in the world!  Joey refutes her by saying that by giving birth to her brother's triplets, she felt good, so it was selfish! And then Phoebe purposely gets stung by a bee to prove her selfishness, without realizing that the bee would have been dead by now! But at the end, it is her call that makes Joey come on the TV and she says, it is her call that made Joey come on TV and she feels so god about it?!?! So, are there no selfless acts in this world? What Phoebe said, "I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!" Is it really true? I don't know!

Ok..some other topic now.. I finally saw Tanu Weds Manu..I didn't like it much..it is ok..Madhavan's charcater is just amazing! Itna accha hai vo.. When he says this dialogue, it is so true ya.. 

12 saal se London me akela hi hun..roz subha uth kar naashta banata hun..akele ji khata hun..aur akele hi office jata hun..koi dost nahi hai jo itna khaas ho..bahut hi  unromantic si life jee hai maine..phir maa-baap peeche pad gaye ki shaadi karo..vahan London se India aaya..Kanpur pahuncha aur phir aap se pyaar ho gaya..bataiye galti hai meri? aapne kaha nahi karni shadi to main chala gaya..aur phir aap meri life me aa gayi..jitna bal pade aapse door rehne ki koshish ki lekin nahi hua yaar to kya karun..us din court me himmat nahi hui..to kya karun..bachpan se sunta aarahun..lekin ab lagta hai life me mila kya..

And I loved these dialogues by Tanu..

"Kuch bhi kaho Sharma sahab, tum aadmi bade darling types ho" :) 

"Mujhe customise nahi karta vo..jaishi hun vaise rehna deta hai...mujhe chahta hai meri sari badtameeziyon ke saath"

Anyway, ya..I am addicted to four songs these days..first is Marjawa from Fashion..such beautiful lines these are..

Mar jawan mar jawan...

Tere ishq pe mar jawan

Bheegi bheegi sapno ka jaisa khat hai yeh..

Geeli geeli chaahat ka jaise lat hai yeh..

Soche dil ke aisa kash ho

 Tujhko ek nazar meri talash hojaise...

Khwabo hai akhon mein base meri waise... 

Neendo pe silvate pare meri

The second is Zara Zara from Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein..I love these lines, especially when she says jhoota hi sahi pyaar to kar..

Tadpaye mujhe teri sabhi batein 

Ek baar ae deewane jhootha hi sahi pyaar to kar

Main bhooli nahin haseen mulaqatein

 Bechain karke mujhko,  mujhse yun na pher nazar

 Roothega na mujhse, mere saathiya yeh vaada kar

 Tere bina mushkil hai jeena mera mere dil mein

The third is Yeh Raat Khush Naseeb Hai from one of my favorite films Aaina..What brilliant lyrics ya!! listen the complete song..amazing lines!

Yeh raat khush naseeb hai

 Jo apne chaand ko kaleje se lagaye so rahi hai, 

Yaha to gam ki sej par

Hamari aarzoo akeli muh chupaye ro rahi hai

And finally, the fourth is re-mix version of Aaja Piya Tohe Pyaar Dun!!..I love its video also..these lines are too good!

Jal chuke hain badan kai

Piya isi raat mein..  thake huye in haathon ko, de de mere haath mein..

Sukh mera le le, main dukh tere le lu mai bhi jiun, tu bhi jiye..

Anyways, kaafi lambi post ho gayi..Have to write on so many more topics but later..Tata :)

Of Gifts from A, J, and S :)

You know I had been working on a project for the last 4 months or so. There was just data, data, and so much data! Finally it ended last week! So S had this talk with my project lead A (the person with whom I actually worked with) and I think he gave a somewhat of a good feedback. More so of the fact, that I had worked on it for 4 months patiently!!! For the uninitiated working on a project in a KPO, where requests come even for a day or too, working on a project for 4 months is huge!! Although my first project was also  five months long, this project seems to be one of the career defining projects I have done! I know the client so well now..I know that her five year old son wants to be an astronaut and her two year old daughter wanst to be whatever her brother wants to be. She is so sweet ya.. my client..ek dum apna samjh ke baatein karti thi..sab kuch share karti thi. She used to take our calls at 6.30 in the morning! Very nice person..And she also knows me so well..earlier she used to call me Panjak but later got used to speaking my name correctly :) She told that for her, family is more important..she cannot just work entire day..she has to spend time with her kids! A is so funny.on calls he used to talk for 15-20 minutes randomly on topics, such as trekking, India, traffice situtaion in Delhi. weather..and she also replied with much interest..A told her that whenever she comes to India, he will take her trekking to the Himalayas :D

So S gave me two books :) River of Smoke by Amitav Ghosh and God's Little Soldier by Kiran Nagarkar. She also gave me two notes. Thanks so much S. You know at first I felt that I did not deserve because see, if I hadn't done it somebody else had to do it no? And I have cribbed so much about certain issues, so I felt a bit guilty, and I did not take it at first. But then S told me I should stop this defeatist attitude and she said that never did I complain to her to remove me from the project, so I should just take it. And you know what after that A, my PL, also gave a chocolate with a note written on it. I will also give something to him. Chahe jaise bhi ho, I have learnt a lot from him! 

This is what S gave me :)

And this is what A gave me..

 No..the chocolate was  not half eaten..it was half eaten when pic was taken...

Maybe this happened because J gave me this lucky charm which she got from France..

Thanks all..these mean so much to me..

The last week I don't know ya some weird things happening with me. I don't know I should talk about it here or not. I guess I am just not ready for it..will tell in a few days. Till then adios!

Of Bucket Lists :{

So in my Goa post, I had written that a interesting unit meeting took place. You see every month we have a unit meeting in office where S tells us about the critical issues and events that impact us an organisation. For the last three four meetings, she has been showing us inspirational videos, such as those from ted.com

So this week we saw this video of Ric Elias, a survivor of the US Airways plane that crashed in the Hudson.

He talks about how it is so important to enjoy life and not postpone things you love doing in life.

So during the meeting, S asked us to write five things we want to do before we die. Aah.. isn't it fascinating? I am sure we all have bucket lists of our own..ain't it.. I love listening to people's things what they want to do before they die. I have so many things myself to do but when it comes to saying I forget everything. So when others say, they want to do this or that, I am like "Ohhh yess.. I also have to do this."

So everyone in the unit had different things to say. So D says that he wants to watch Wimbledon final some day..Aahh I was like me tooooo.. How could I forget this one? So another D said that she wants to take he parents on a vacation! R says she wants to get really really drunk some day. And R said that we wants to debate internationally and publish his poetry collection. S said that he wants to be a consultant some day! Isn't is simply fascinating what each one of us wants to do before we die..I can listen to such thoughts the entire day! It brings out the real person in you of what you really want from life.

So, here are the five things that H said he wants to do!

1. He wants to go on a Euro trip
2. He wants to watch a Chelsea match live!
3. He wants to go in outer space
4. He wants to own a KPO (seriously??)
5. He wants to open a dog shelter

Interesting there was nothing related to getting drunk..Hmmm...

Curiously, no one asked S what she wants to do during the meeting. So after the unit meeting, I asked her what she wants. Here is what she said

1. She wants to visit Rome
2. She wants to learn Braille (me too!)
3. She wants to meet Shah Rukh Khan!
4. She wants to be a kids' teacher
5. She wants to get married

So, I have not yet told what I want to do. This is what I had said

1. I want to visit Europe (it is my dream to go on the top of Eiffel Tower one day and have a nice kiss)
2. I want to study human psychology
3. I want to write a book some day
4. I want to be a political and social journalist and film critic
5. I want to fall in true love :-(

The last point was the source of numerous guffaws in the meeting with everyone in the meeting saying awwww :( Interestingly, H had mockingly said before I spoke my list that I will say that I want to watch all movies of the world. However, there is nothing related to film making. I am more fascinated by the process of film making rather than the film itself, perhaps that is why I love collecting anecdotes about films, finding references in the films, learning about characters..but I wish I could make a film like a Dil Chahta Hai or Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.. but I know I can't :{ But H and I are going on a Eurotrip soon :P I have so many other things like visiting the Pyramids (my desktop wallpaper), visiting Khajuraho, meet Salman Rushdie..the list goes on and on..

While S said it was a cute thing that I said about love, H made so much fun of me after the meeting :{ "So,  P wants to fall in loooovvvve" with his weird eyebrow raising expressions :{ But then he also said it is a very sweet thing to say and in front of the entire unit, that requires so much courage and he was glad that I said it because every one wants to but no one says this. And you know what, I actually wanted to say that I want to fall in true love and be loved in return :( Will I be able to ever? I don't know.. So what do you want to do before you die? Any thoughts?

To Goa - My Muse, My Whore, My Beloved!

Goa..Saal me hamesha ek bar Goa to aana hi chahiye..

Ya.. now what do I write about this trip to Goa ya..There are so many things to write that I am not able to understand where to begin from..I am not a big fan of mountains..maybe because I am not ambitious or maybe I am scared of challenges. I just love the sea and can sit all day long on the beach..even if I don't have to do anything. 

So I had this flight from Delhi to Goa on Friday. The beauty of the clouds is just exhilarating..makes you feel like a bird but you know when I saw the clouds and the blue sky, I felt this feeling of extreme loneliness..as they say it is lonely at the top! There was nothing else visible in the sky except the clouds and our place. And when you fall from such heights, nothing can make you rise again. Then why do we say to reach for the sky or sky is the limit..is it because we want to be alone? Then why do we look for companions everywhere if we want to be high up than others? And then why do we say there is fortune at the bottom of the pyramid..isn't it a dichotomy? Can there be a middle path where we are equidistant from the top and the bottom? Is it too cowardly to not be an extremist?

Duniya ke saare sukh ek taraf aur Goa me kadam rakhne ki khushi ek taraf :) The hotel we stayed at has this private beach of its own..Aah..the sight of the sea is just amazing..the splashing noise of the waves..the whiteness of the waves..the furiousness of the waves..the deception of the waves.. 

I was at the beach till the night, playing with waves all the time..I just did not want to go back to the party where I feel lost. I could totally  understand what Arjun might have felt after his sea diving in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara..Anyways, sitting at the beach, there is this flood of thoughts that come to your mind. I wish I could write poetry..managed only two lines :{ I wanted to write how waves can be a metaphor for the sadness in life.. Howsoever, we may try to stop the waves, they will come to shore. And they will once again go back to the sea. It is only you who has to bear them with strength. And when the waves go back, your feet are firmly entrenched in the sand, giving you the stability you always wanted. Although it may feel like the world is moving beneath your feet, it is actually putting your feet firmly in the ground. Now think of waves as the sadness..whatever we may try to stop, dukh to ayega hi na..aur har time thori rahega..vapas bhi chala jayega..bas tumhe khare rehna hai varna leher tumhe dooba degi..

Also, don't waves also mirror life..jaise taise everyone reaches their final destination..at the end, we all have to reach our shore and die!

The following are the two lines..

समुंदर का वो खारा पानी, मुझे जीवन की मिठास दे गया...

बारिश का वो मीठा पानी, मेरे खारे आंसुओं को ले गया...

Anyways when I went back to the room, H had ordered two beers for himself..so he asked me to take one. So I had my first beer ever :) It was a bit bitter but one should experience everything in life no?!

 

Anyways, then there was this party..every office party deserves a separate post..so many weird things happened and as usual I was on my detective mood and checking out who is doing what..such a desperate I am no? BTW I also had a vodka in the party..Mujhe ek ghanta lag gaya us drink to khatam karte karte..and after that when I started walking, I felt a bit dizzy..chalo thora sa hi experience ho gaya being drunk..

And you know during the party, S came to me and said that why I was not dancing as I was siting all alone, then I started telling her about what all I had seen in the party :D A called me on the dance floor many times..I felt nice..I think it's wrong on my part no? If people have to force you to dance, then why go to the party in the first place. BTW H said that I was looking the best of all people in the hat dance :) And though he doesn't remember who all he danced with...How can he find Ghodi hot who was totally coming onto him!!! And he doesn't even remember what he said to S and her fiance :P But the most funny thing in the party was when A, who was totally out came and pulled my cheeks ala woogly woogly wush like a baby. I was like what is he doing?? And G chepofying J..hahaha

And the next day we went to St. Xavier's, Bagah, Tito's and then Colva on Sunday. It was the first time I went to a Church and J said you can ask for three wishes. I asked for four wishes..one for mummy, papa, sister, and finally for you :( The gang of people I went with were just amazing. We clicked so many pictures..in so weird poses especially me, A and S! Will put a photo blog on it soon! Thanks so much for clicking my hero types pictures A and S! :) Also, I had my first cigarette photo :D And I got a tattoo also :)

And then at Tito's (such a cheap club) I saw this married couple dancing with their hands in each others neck. So I came and asked H, that does he dance like the same with R when he goes out. I know I shouldn't ask such personal questions but H ke saath to chalta hai because I think he doesn't mind. He tells me that he also dances like this with R..How sweet is that no? I have learnt this thing about him..He just tries to be funny but deep down he is a die-hard romantic..very old school 'The Wonder Years' types.. anyways, I was so badly missing you. How will I get over you ya.. I think I don't want to :{ And I have some pictures of H, which I can use for blackmail later...oooh Frenchie ;P

The thing that I have learnt for the trip is that you have to let go of yourself if you want to be happy. I am a very self conscious person, I have my inhibitions and maybe I am hiding certain things from everyone..perhaps that is why I can never let go..and that is why I feel I never be happy from inside..anyways, not to end on a sad note.. 

So here is my cosmic connection of the week..I had got this shirt in which it was written Reality is an Illusion..I wore that on the trip. And then when I was at Calengate, I was thinking of horizon...isn't it a perfect example of an illussion..it appears that sea and sky are meeting but in reality they aren't?

But the thing I regret is not being able to visit Fort Aquada. My Dil Chahta Hai moment has to wait for some more time..

Will write so more tomorrow about a very interesting unit meeting that took place in office this week!

Random :{

So back from Goa!! It was an experience in itself..will write so much more later this week about the trip. There have been so many things to tell! But there is something that I cannot take out of my head. I have started this Hindi film quiz in office no? so I was just thinking of a question from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. And you know, there is this scene from that film that I just keep on remembering. That scene when Rahul and Tina are dancing on Koi Mil Gaya, and Rahul grabs Tina's hands and takes her along with him, leaving Anjali behind. Anjali felt left out and starts crying and moves slowly into the background. I don't know why but I just cannot forget this scene :( 

And after coming from Goa, H is somewhat disappointed by my behavior in Goa. I apologized to him that it was not intentional. I can never intentionally hurt anyone ya, and of all people him?? No..never..I am so sorry H. I think I have failed as a person in front of you :(