I miss blogging so much! I know that I write crap but even posting a picture that I like makes me feel nice but of late! since office started, I don't get time to blog but I do make it a point to read all my favourite blogs (in no particular order) - Shobhaa De, Vir sanghvi, Sushmita Bose, Poonam Saxena, and the people I know- Yamini and Priyanka, both private blogs, having the privilege to read a private blog makes me feel wanted :-)!
Anyway, I hadn't written a personal post for a long time, I mean I haven't written a sad post in a way :
So this is my another sad post..I don't know whenever I am sad, I keep thinking that I will put it on my blog, cribbing and venting out my sadness to my blog friend, who listens to my every thought and gives me space to be myself..
Sometimes, these days I feel such sudden and terrible phases of loneliness and I don't know the reason why.. I am an introvert by nature and don't open up to people easily but of late, I have started to feel as a misfit in society.. I don't know why? Whenever I talk to people it feels that I am wearing a mask and not showing my true self.. it's not that I hate people completely, I love talking to people about news, politics, books, movies, yeah yeah FRIENDS and Grey's Anatomy too ..someone who could tell me about philosophy, psychology, life, poetry,and so many more things.. but I don't know why.. but somehow people all around me talk about things which I don't really understand... The other day, my cousin who has come from Amsterdam came to dinner..she is one of my idols but you know, I had nothing to say to her and everyone else was asking her so many things! Again, it made me wonder whether I will ever be happy in life..whether I could really adjust in life..I am a 22 year old man ( as newspapers say a 22 year old man, not a 22 year old boy) and I still don't know so many things in life.. people 5-6 years younger than me would be better.. My cousin Deepansha can kick any body's ass! and I don't even know how to talk!
I always thought that when I will grow up, some things will come automatically but I am just getting older but not getting wiser ( like Auro of Paa, which releases this sat, I will go for sure..Kurbaan bhi nahi dekhi maine) .. but it is not going as I thought it would.. I cannot change myself now..it is so difficult to change yourself, to go against your grain to be what you are not! I had always wanted to be like one of my acquaintances UI who doesn't even know that I think so highly of him.. smart, intelligent, principled, agnostic, well read.. these were the qualities which i wanted to be but all I could become was a pseudo intellectual - a person who just fakes his sense of knowledge..
And talking of people, in office where I sit, the people who sit opposite to me- Rahul and Hiteshi they share such a good camaraderie and are good friends..they keep on talking and having nice chitchats ( both from the same college).. when I see them, it makes even more sad because I am quite reserved and want to have friends like them.. but then I avoid people...I know nothing of this makes sense at all..but I really wanted to write my thougts today as I had a really depressing day...but I will continue these random thoughts in my next post..waiting for the sequel!