Kabhi kabhi apne baare me sochna bahut zaroori ho jata hai

Even though I have been trying a lot, things have not been working out for me. This has made me miserable and helpless. To cheer myself up, I browsed through some old posts and comments on all my social media accounts. On Instagram, I used to be so funny. I put a fake invitation card of being invited to Katrina Kaif and Vicky Kaushal's wedding, and some people believed I got invited. These days, I don't feel like putting anything. I also read through the messages and comments that I received on this blog. I have nearly a thousand comments and about three hundred emails. Reading some of the messages made me emotional. That at least some posts resonated with people. I have always had self-confidence issues, but some of these messages have made me feel that I am not that bad. Also, some people told me that they liked reading the slightly melancholic and vulnerable posts I had written. I avoided writing those as I felt people would make fun of a grownup man talking like this. Confident people are admired everywhere, after all. I also noticed that many times, people would send me friend requests and messages sharing their vulnerable moments. They would talk and share things for some time, almost becoming friends. But after some time, they stop. It is because they were going through some difficult times and found me in that moment of vulnerability. Most of the comments I get are from people randomly searching for something. I remove them from my social media if I have not spoken to them for quite a while. I wish them the best.

While browsing my old emails, I found this news article about an earthquake in Delhi in 2011. I used to comment on some articles on news sites, and they included this comment in the article on NDTV. I miss this funny, idiotic side of me.

I have also been thinking of Dil To Pagal Hai. I love love love that film. I was thinking about how Pooja thrives in spaces where nobody else except her exists. She fully comes alive when no one is watching her. Rahul describes Maya as the one who dances only for herself. "Woh sirf apne liye naachti hai," he says. All through the film, we see Pooja doing things by herself. On Valentine's Day, she buys herself a gift. Rahul first spots her when she is dancing alone in the studio. Her feet start thumping to the beats of the drum, and she cannot stop herself. Naturally, Rahul would find his Maya in her.

There is also Aai (Aruna Irani) with whom Pooja is close. I love the character of Aai. She could easily perceive something special brewing between Pooja and Rahul. She is mature enough to let them confess their love for each other on their own. Instead of embarrassing and confronting them together, she speaks to them separately and guides them to overcome their internal challenges. She nudges Pooja to be more selfish and think about herself. "Kabhi kabhi apne baare me sochna bahut zaroori ho jata hai." She advises Pooja to stop running from her dreams. In a culture that fetishes self-sacrifice, it is a remarkable advice to be a bit selfish.

And, of course, the film's beautiful ending—the tape recorder, the walk on the stage—how can anyone not fall in love? I have to write about this fantastic film.

I was also listening to this beautiful song by Silk Route. Sabse peeche hum khade. Duniya ki is bheed mein, sabse peeche hum khade.

I also found this stunning piece of advice. I think I really, really needed it. I think we all need it. As they said, "Apni kahani hai. Ending change kar lenge." I wish I could imagine a decent future for myself.